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As Slippery as a Dewani

14 December 2011, 14:09

I stumbled across those news articles about Dewani in the newspapers this morning. 

Apparently he believes that he might not receive a fair trial in South Africa and he fears being forced into a career as a sex slave in South African correctional facilities.  Therefore he conveniently contracted post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) a disorder I thought to be more likely diagnosed with the parents of Anni, his murdered wife.

Why the fear of South Africa?  South Africa presents excellent career opportunities in the politics for such accomplished lairs as Dewani.  He is only two steps away from the presidency.  All that is needed is getting acquitted from his crimes and there is no easier place to manage that than in South Africa.  Both Shaik and Glenn Agliotti illustrated it.

The next step, as a new South African, Dewani needs to start a party, get a voter base and start more parties or join the ANC.  South Africa has the dimmest voters on the planet and will support anything even a scarecrow as long as it promises free farmland, easily effortless wealth which preferably excludes attachments like work and free housing. 

If Dewani does not get acquitted from his crimes all is not lost in actual fact his future looks even brighter because a jail sentence is viewed as an extra credit for the presidency in South Africa.  Some of South Africa’s most distinguished and iconic prime ministers and presidents where either jailed or exiled.  John Vorster, Nelson Mandela, Thabo Mbeki and Jacob Zuma are a few that come to mind. Dewani doesn’t have to worry about the exile option though since South Africans eagerly awaits his arrival.

I must admit I think Dewani is delusional if he thinks that he is only at risk in a South African prison.  With a face like that, eyebrow plucked, sphinx wax job and a couple of missing front teeth sexually deprived inmates anywhere in the world will pay excellent tribute to his master to spend a night with him.  The problem with criminals is that even though inmates have human rights they are oblivious to the fact that it applies to others as well and that is what landed them in the slammer in the first place.

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)!  Congratulations! Well played Dewani!  Give credit where it is due.  That was a really clever spin on Shaik’s old trick which he pulled off with graze and excellence.  The nice thing about PTSD it is a psychological disorder that can be completely mimicked without any physiological evidence.  However that is not too difficult either since a elevate heart beat and dizziness by auto-hyperventilation is quite accomplishable.  Selebi might have problems convincing a sharp medical professional of his condition but maybe his doctor was already bought and paid for by the time his appeal failed.

It appears as if Dewani’s lawyers are looking for excuses rather than solutions.  I hate negativity like that.  A strong dose of Prozac to keep his nerves calm, sleeping pills to help him get through those lonely worrisome nights without Anni and a straight jacket to prevent him from suicide will cure his problem.  He will be good to go within a week where South Africans will await him with enthusiasm.

One can just imagine the days before PTSD was recognized as a legitimate disorder. Criminals just pissed in their pans when they were arrested.  The PTSD or anxiety usually disappeared as soon as the arms dislocated from its sockets during the torcher rack face off with the master tortherer down in the dungeon.  The best a criminal could hope for was a quick but not necessarily painless death.  I am convinced in those days Dewani, Selebi and Shaik would voluntarily line up to be in Janice Bronwyn Linden shoes.

Maybe Dewani’s ambitions are not a presidency at all but early retirement.   It makes sense then to negotiating a luxury correction facility with tennis courts, swimming pools, snooker tables, gym, library and an excellent retirement plan with medical insurance somewhere in Europe.  Admittedly South African correction facilities do not quite deliver such services but even I am often tempted to get into a live long retirement facility like some of those fine establishments in Europe.

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