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Assisted Suicide or Go Out With a Bang?

11 January 2013, 14:22

There was an article here recently on the rejection of assisted suicide by the Irish courts. Reading about assisted suicide gave me a fabulous business idea!  I will open a new business that caters to the needs of the terminally ill and those with the appropriate court order, by arranging their ultimate demise in the most spectacular fashion they can conceive.

For those of you not familiar with the concept of assisted suicide, the basic premise is simple. When an individual reaches a stage of life where they no longer want to live due to ongoing pain and discomfort due to an incurable illness, they can approach a court and obtain an order condoning their suicide, with the assistance of an able bodied person.

The case that recently came before the Irish High Court was brought by a 59-year-old former university lecturer, Marie Fleming. She is completely paralysed and terminally ill with multiple sclerosis and wants to die with some dignity. She has therefore made comprehensive arrangements for her funeral and asked the court to allow her partner to assist her suicide attempt. She was a composed witness approaching the courts in a rational manner to prevent her from being a passenger on a train of enormous pain and no dignity.

The courts decided that a terribly sick lady with no possibility of a comfortable death should be denied the right to end her suffering and effectively ordered that she must continue her unhappy existence, regardless of whether she wants to or not.

I’m sure many religious folk will remind us all about the sin of suicide, but I personally feel it is a greater sin to deny somebody their right to choose their own future and condemn them to the worst prison of being stuck inside their own body; particularly when they have no real future and the only thing life has in store for them is an endless cycle of medication and nurses changing your bedpan.

And so, I am bringing the world the greatest idea for these ill people, second only to the aforementioned bedpan… The business of dying with dignity and going out in a blaze of glory.

If I were incurably ill, I would not want to go on existing, unable to do anything for myself, constantly in pain and incapable of spending quality time with family and loved ones; slowly fading away and destroying the finances of those who receive the regular hospital bills. Take me out back, shoot me and bury me under the old oak tree, quite frankly!

Here is the business plan:

Certain countries, including Switzerland, Belgium, Luxembourg and Belgium, and states in the USA allow assisted suicide. Instead of dying gracefully and peacefully with an anaesthetic cocktail, with the minimum of mess and fuss for overworked nursing staff, you can catch a ride to heaven in the manner of your choosing.

Ever wondered what it feels like to drive into a wall on a super-powerful motorbike at 250 kilometres per hour?  Or wanted to jump out of on airplane on the edge of space? Or experience the blaze of chemicals rushing through your body in an overdose? Rush with guns blazing into the den of a criminal gang and see how many of them you can take out of circulation before getting mowed down yourself?

I would hate to leave my family with huge medical bills to settle and memories of my unhappy shell of a person, hooked up to all sorts of machines. I would rather make the appropriate arrangements with the undertaker and pay one of those crews that clean up crime scenes to scrape my smiling face off the wall after buying and driving a Grand Prix Formula One car over 300 kmph.

I imagine that there are many creative and exciting ways in which those condemned to death can find to go out with adrenaline pumping and feeling alive for one last time. Obviously, my business idea is just a joke – but think about it for a moment, what an empowering final decision to make!

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