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The Last Contrarian
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Atheism IS a RELIGION?

02 April 2012, 15:00

Greetings Comrades,

Today I will do my best impression of a christian, and I will use that mindset to explain my ‘faith’ in the religion of ‘atheism’.

I want to start from the beginning, of everything, mind you. I simply believe there was this super small dot of ‘potential’ that rapidly expanded into everything. I don’t quite know why I believe this—it was mentioned in some thick science book, and well, I believed the author. Fast forward about 10-billion years: life SOMEHOW’ just happened; I’m not too big on the details, but I know it happened naturally as opposed to supernaturally and then an amazing process called EEEE-VOOO-LUUU-SHUN made swamp water turn into elephants, bats, snakes, insects, fish and, of course, humans.

Look I know it sounds impossible but I just really have a feeling about this one, you know? I mean I just feel this is the way things were and I have my own revelations that confirm this for me. In short, you just got to take my word on this one.

Anyways, I further believe there is no morality and everything we perceive as good/bad is merely subjective and relative to our limited perspective. I mean where else would we humans get our morality if not from the big NOTHINGNESS in the sky? What do you then base your morality on, if not the nothingness? The idea that morality and an innate instinct for acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in our man-made societies is the result of our own intellectual abilities is just absurd, ABSURD I tell you!

I also believe in miracles, though we call them ‘interventions’. They are like miracles only they rely on very material interventions. Like when someone has severe bleeding on the brain and surgeons saw open the person’s head and go in there and fix it. I can’t explain exactly how they do it, but it is amazing none-the-less and the person would have died without this intervention. I think they call it medical science, but I read these science books of my faith only a verse at a time, so you must excuse me if I sound somewhat incompetent or represent ‘the faith’ poorly.

When I’m not giving away a tenth of my hard-earned cash to the ‘researchers’ of science, I like to just listen to some of the ‘experts’ of my faith spend endless hours extrapolating purpose, meaning, and wisdom from a single proverb.

I know I do many things wrong every day, like break the speed limit, insult fellow homo sapiens, and ravage the planet’s resources, but I can always go to bed with the firm belief that right and wrong are really just illusions and I’m not really accountable for anything I do. The nothingness will understand my weakness and overlook it.

We atheists have our share of thrilling tales, as well. We also have a strong man with long hair: his name is Conan the Barbarian and it is one of my favourite tales, I even have the DVD. Though he was kind of cooler than the biblical strongman called Samson, who’s real power was just in his hair. I mean, come on, that is a bad plot! Every hero has an Achilles heel, but short hair?

There are some other religions next to science and atheism, but I think they are a load of chol. I mean I KNOW that the version of science and atheism I believe in is the right one. One just knows these things, it’s called trusting your instincts (otherwise known as faith).

We also have a story about a big ship in the sea that harboured people. It is a nice film called Titanic and it is based on real events. It has a more interesting story than the bible’s version of the floating arc filled with animals. Where did all the animals from overseas come from? Ah screw it… the believers of that religion will just retcon (google it) the story later.

Our savior in atheism was a guy called Isaac Newton. Apparently an apple fell on his head and now we all think he is smart. And I firmly believe everything he taught and did in his life was an example for how any scientists must conduct themselves. Occasionally I care to practice some of his teachings, but I mostly like to just use his words as an excuse to criticize others. I mean, I don’t actually adhere perfectly to his teachings, but as long as I can tell others they aren’t either and that I sincerely want to adhere to his teachings, it’s all ok.

We also have the eschatological element in atheism. You know, the story of how it all goes to sh!t? In our version a big rock, super volcano, or even rampant disease lays waste to the planet and all things living on its surface … and then we are with the nothingness, FOREVER.

Again, like all the various religious people on the planet, I want to state it clearly that I have no proof to convince you with, but you should really believe me. This nothingness dude is a bad-ass, and he will do terrible things to you if you don’t believe as I do. And I really mean as I do, not the ‘other’ atheists and scientists, but me and my group.

I don’t have to prove any of this anyway because I know I’m right; I can just feel it. And everything you say and use to explain your methods to me is just nonsense. I don’t know how you can believe that, but I wish you well. I will continue to think of you as inferior a person to me and that I will ultimately get to giggle my ass off in the nothingness as I see you tortured forever for not believing as I do, but hey … I’m an atheist!

Now forgive me, I have to go cheat on my wife, steal some office supplies because my boss underpays my important ass, and I’ve got to think how I can avoid paying my income tax this year, but I’ll see you in the lab this Sunday and we can read some Einstein quotes and feel better about ourselves!

Man it really rules to be an atheist. Everything is so simple, I get to tell others they are WRONG without having to explain myself, and I want to be disproportionally represented in the laws of the land. Who would NOT want to be an atheist?

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