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Uncle Dumzzz
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Attention attention, I have a question…

15 February 2014, 20:15

Attention  attention,  I  have  a  question…

There’s  this  question  I  had  been meaning to  ask.  Every  time  I  tried  to  ask  someone,  something  inside  of  me  told  me to  put it  off  because  it  must  be  the  most  stupid  question.

So  I  never  dared  to  ask  anyone  this  particular  question. Not  even  my  closest  friends.

I  knew  somehow  that  no  one  will  have  a  right  answer  to  it.  But  also,  I  didn’t  want  people  to  think  I  was  a  lunatic. 

People  who  were  suspected  to  be  half  crazy  were  ignored  in  my  village.  There  was  this  boy  whose  uncle  was  a  Rasta  and  made  him  smoke  dagga,  and  the  boy  was  an  example  of  a  lunatic  to  everyone.

“You  are  as  crazy  as  Joseph!”  Went  one  teasing,  or  “You  hallucinating  like  Joseph.” 

All  my  friends  ignored  him and  that  turned  him  to  a  recluse,  he  roamed  Ntwane  on  his  own. Today  I  care  less  what  you will  think  of  me.  I  know  you  have  already  labelled  me  just  before  even  attempting  reading  this.  Ok,  here  is  my  question-

No,  no  no. 

Before  I  can  even  go  ahead  and ask  it,  let  me  give  you  some  little  bit  of  background  about  the  origins  of  my  question.  This  question  came  to  me  when  I  visited  Hillbrow  in  1993  for  the  very  first  time. 

Well,  if  you  don’t  know,  I  was  born  here  in  Joburg  but  grew  up  in  the  rural  areas  of  Dennilton  in  a  village  called  Ntwane.  This  village  is  predominantly  BaNtwane  but  there  are  also  few  Zulus  like  me,  Ndebeles  and  Xhosas.  And  I  was  just  this inquisitive  Zulu  boy  trying  hard  to  fit  in  with  the  BaNtwanes. 

And  one  day at  school  during  one  of  those  boring  subjects  I  detested  like  Freshen,  (that  is  History)  I  asked  my  teacher  if  he  can  let  me  go  to  the  loo. 

Even  though  he  was  Zulu  like  me  I  had  to  ask  him  in  my  broken  English.  He  approved  my  request  with  a  steady  nod  of  his  head  and  off  I  ran  to  the  toilets. 

Enjoying  the  blowing  breeze  of  the  morning  as  I  ran.  Well,  as  I  only  went  there  just  to  pass  time  than  to  relieve  myself,  I  had  all  the  time  in  the  world  to  open  one  toilet  door  after  the  other.  Just  for  the  sake  of  it  you  know.

I  opened  the  first,  and  then  I  peeped  in  and  scrutinized  the  seat,  then  the  walls.

 Moved  on  to  the  second  door,  do  the  same  and  banged  the  door  again  as  I  was  closing  it.  And  when  I  was  in  toilet  number  three  I  was  greeted  by  what  I  have  never  seen  before. 

And  it  was  not  even  Pinky-pinky  or  some  kind  of   Tokoloshe  as  they  were  even  rife  those  days.

I  was  greeted  by  a  piece  of  paper  pasted on  the  wall.  I  walked  closer  to  this  piece  of  paper.  And  there was  the  exhibition  of  what  will  become  the longest penis  I  have  ever  seen,  erect  like  a  rod.

Underneath  this  upsetting  photo  my  principal’s  surname  was  scribbled  legibly.  Then  I  started  reading  some  other  words  scribbled  on  the  wall,  drawings  of  pangas  and  more  long penises  as  well. 

Wow! I  was  completely  stunned  by  what  was  written  there.  I  even  concluded  that  whoever  wrote  all  that  must  be  a  genius  indeed.  And  I  started  asking  myself  this  question:  “ Is  it  true  that  shitting  makes  you  a  genius?”

When  I  visited  Hillbrow  for  the  very  first  time  I  even read  what  will  be  my  first  Ad  targeting  men  whom  preferred  other  men.  Remember  that  in  Ntwane  homosexuality  was  unknown  of.  And  I have  also  read  gossip  there,  or  just  general  teasing  but  also  gratuitous  slurs. 

Just  after  reading,  I  will  ask  my  self  who is  responsible  for  writing  all  this  and  why  here?  Why  use  this  toilet  and  not  your  journal? 

So  let  me  ask  you  once  again:  “Is  it  true  that  shitting  makes  you  a  genius?”

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