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Irukandji
 
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Badly written news reports

24 October 2012, 13:56

Don’t you just love poorly written news reports? They make my day – especially when the news item is also funny.

The following is based on a News24 story of the prisoners who tried to escape from a vehicle leaving the Randburg Magistrate’s Court. The spelling mistakes, punctuation errors, and muddled grammar, are those of the News24 reporter. My comments are in brackets.

The News24 report starts with a bang:

It is not known what type of explosive was used. I suspect it was the type that goes: BANG!

Officials are not ruling out the possibility that the daring escape attempt by the prisoners was an inside job. Bwahaha! And all the time, here I was, thinking that the prisoners were actually trying to break into the vehicle.

All the prisoners on board were awaiting trial for theft or housebreaking, while one was facing murder charges. Let that be a lesson to the suspected murderer – you are known by the company you keep.

According to Sapa, correctional services commissioner Tom Moyane said he was satisfied that all security measures were in place when the prisoners were transported to the court. The police also claimed to have had all their security measures in place. The prisoners also stated that they had their security measures in place. AA and BEE were also securely in place. The bomber also had the explosive stuck securely, in an unmentionable place.

The explosion happened at a *trafic light near the prison police spokesperson Brigadier Neville Malila told AFP. And AFP told Sapa, who told News24, who told Chicken Little, who told Henny Penny, who told Turkey Lurkey, who told Foxy Loxy that the sky was falling near the prison police spokesperson.  

“When they arrived at the corner of Naturena and the Old Soweto Highway, the driver heard a **big bang. He noted there was a ***whole in the door and saw two prisoners escape,” he said. Note the quotation marks – the driver is supposed to have said all of this. Was he talking about himself in the third person? Did the “big bang” befuddle his hole brain?

Moyane said investigations will show how prisoners were able to hide the explosive device. Are they going to do the old surgical glove and Vaseline routine on the surviving prisoners?

One escapee was shot in the buttocks and apprehended, AFP reported. The driver of the van was able to pull into the prison complex. Was the driver scared that he was also going to be shot in the buttocks?

Major General Oswald Reddy said that the suspected escape plot was “very carefully planned.” Are you Reddy for this? Suspected escape plot? Carefully planned? Bhwahahaha!

Cases of murder, possession of explosives, and escape from lawful custody were being investigated. Maybe add investigating cases of bribery, corruption, and incompetence of the officials. And bad reporting – above all – bad reporting.

*trafic light – even in news reports, the traffic lights in Jo’burg don’t work

**big bang – relax, all you “Big Bang” theorists, it was only the explosives going off

***whole in the door – where the hole door used to be

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