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Ball Games

10 February 2014, 07:17

It took a lot of balls for Sir Iru to relate this morning the story he did, and because he’s so intent on topping me, I think it’s my turn.

A farmer found out he was going to die shortly and decide it was time to divide his farm up among his three sons. It was a small farm. In fact, it was a smallholding, but I don’t like to speak of smallholding and balls in the same sentence.

Nevertheless, his farm was ten (10) acres! That’s right, count them, ten! And he had to divide his farm between his sons. Or have I already said that?

He said to the oldest, ‘Son, I’m giving you six acres.’

‘Thank you, father.’  Very formal.

He turned to the middle son and said, ‘I’m giving you four acres.’

The youngest son wailed, ‘What about me?’

He kicked him in the balls and said, ‘There’s two achers to start with.’

Now I know this is not funny, because it’s so painful, but once you’ve wiped the tears from your streaming eyes, you’ll see the story has merit. In bygone days, the youngest son had to go abroad to seek his fortune, so this was a good, if painful, result for him.

Speaking of balls, Helen Zille seems to have lost hers, along with her marbles. What was she doing proposing Ramphele Mamphele as Presidential candidate of the DA?

She always reminded me of Margaret Thatcher, who had more balls than her entire cabinet. Once, when lunching at the Whitehall canteen with two of her senior ministers, the waiter approached and, of course, deferred to her. ‘What’ll you have?’ he murmured.

‘The roast beef,’ she said, handing back the menu.


‘They’ll have the same.’

Somewhere along the line Godzille lost her balls of steel.

Very silly

Helen Zille

Made an offer to Ramphele

Be a DA resident

And we’ll make you President

Silly, silly move, that.

And speaking of the French (we weren’t? My memory must be going.)

And speaking of the French (we weren’t? My memory must be going.)

So, yes, speaking of the French, I mentioned a while ago that they regard themselves as the world’s greatest lovers and nowhere is this better borne out than in the following story.

Pierre Duval goes into a gay bar in gay Paree and has a glass or two of wine, then one of Pernod. Afterwards, as nature would have it, he needs to visit the gents, which he does.

As he walks in, he sees a very effeminate-looking young man standing at the urinal and he stands next to him. Looking down, he says, ‘M’sieur, what a beautiful tool you have!’

The young man, most flattered, and not a little aroused, says, ‘Oh, thank you!’

‘Please, may I touch it?’

‘Ooh, of course!’

And Pierre touches and strokes it, then exclaims, ‘M’sieur, your balls! They are too wonderful! Please, may I touch them?’

Now Pierre is a handsome and charming chap, and the young man says, ‘Ooh, of course!’

‘Aah, they are too wonderful! Like silk: please, may I hold them?’

‘Ooh yes, of course you can!’ says the young man excitedly.

Pierre slips his hand into the young man’s trousers and holds his goolies.  ‘Your wallet, please.’

Now I know this is not the sort of story I should be telling on this highly esteemed forum, and for that I apologise, but it’s a Friday and thank goodness I don’t drink, or I would drown my sorrows and my shame at having written, nay submitted! an article of this nature.

Finally, let me say, ‘Give that man a Balls!’

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