After all my prep work I never got to do this speech as the wedding day was so overwhelming and I completely forgot the speech at home. I tried to remember it but I only came out with compliments. So I`ll let you guys sit back and forget about Julius and the sad parts of our world and have a different read for a change.All the names and the date has been changed. Here goes.
So John and Susan you finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as John couldn’t have done any better and Susan couldn’t have done any worse…......................
Before I continue - I have a couple of request from the past. ...................... You want to return something to John you feel you no longer have a need for. .................... Seems you also have something you no longer need and would like to return to John. Wow, this is a long list...................... this seems to be the general request from most of the Ladies............................. Can I ask all those who would like to return something to John, please come forward................................. Thank you Ladies. For those of you who don’t know what that were, it seems to be keys of some sort. Maybe ask John after the speeches what is going on.
Susan I asked you what I must do today, and you gave me free roam, thus I take no responsibility as you have already pardoned me, John, sorry ouboet, it only happens once.
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I think that covers everyone. For those of you who don’t know me I'm Zoolie and I'm The Best Man. I hope you are all enjoying what has been a brilliant wedding celebration; unfortunately........... every silver lining has a cloud, so here I am.
I will start off with some compliments. I would like to echo what has already been said and compliment our beautiful bride. I must say that Susan looks absolutely radiant today.............................................................. John is one very lucky man................................................................ Surprisingly, John has scrubbed up quite well for himself; only do be out done by myself off course.
Can I just give a special mention to our bridesmaid, Sheila, for helping to get Susan here today? I am reliably informed that when Susan woke up this morning and realized she was marrying John she put up quite a struggle, so well done.
I was quite stunned to find out I was chosen to be the Best man. Yes find out. It was by pure chance that I rocked up one morning at their house and we decided to go look at suits. Next thing I knew I was fitting suits on, cause of my awesome physique, of course, under the impression we were just comparing the different outfits. Only weeks later, I asked who is your best man, being the good brother I am, I wanted to get involved in the wedding. That’s when I was informed, yes informed, still not asked, that I will be the best man. So far I must say I’m doing quite well in this job. John is equally impressed, he told me earlier I have done such a good job I have got the gig for his next wedding, which was nice of him…
I have known John for some time now, being his brother didn’t help, he was never at home, and if he was, it was like having a special brother. From an early age John decided to voluntary shout for the Blue Bulls. I like to think that John has a lot in common with his beloved Blue Bulls.
Both look a bit run down and lost these days, urgently needing a makeover…
Both have a style that is better suited to the `90s. That was the last time John changed his hairstyle by the way… their evolution break thru to think real men wear pink, only to come to the end of the season empty handed and John still with same Knight Rider Jacket from the eighties. Fortunately Susan has a special spot for people with special needs. We know Susan will take good care of him.
Some of you may look at John sitting here today and think ‘hasn’t that boy-tjie done well for himself?’ He has married the woman of his dreams, has a good career and has made his parents proud. One of the main duties in my Best Man speech is to tarnish this squeaky-clean image that John is portraying. I have done my homework and have a number of stories that will bring him down a nudge or two.
He was born on the 1st Jan 1978. If his your hair were never cut since 1st Jan1978, it would be 5.093 m. today. An apple tree seeded on 1st Jan1978 bore 3,103.679 kg. Apples till today. The Apples contribution to economy is R104023.08 and it fed 5,208 people. We hope that in your life you, as a human being, achieve more than that poor apple tree.
Not to be out done by anyone, John has his own treasure of good habits. He has good taste. It took him 5 years to get married to Susan, well done John. He has leadership skills - When I was 6 and John was 10, we had our own Gang, John was the gang leader, this also showed us how much he would investigate before committing - he decided it would be wise to send in the smallest guy of the gang, Me, to beat up the biggest guy of the other gang, turns out he wasn’t very good and John gladly claimed the victory when it took me 1 punch to settle the score. In respect this bought out another good property of him, he is very protective over his family. At first it didn’t work out so good for him. He came home with a few blue eyes, thinking the girls at school needed his protection, later on he got the hang of it and started picking on my friends, thinking they were invading our home. These days you don’t see John fight anymore, he has moved on since then, he now has mastered the art of always talking (shouting) himself out of a situation, the only problem is to have John present in the situation.
I spoke to Mario earlier, for these who don’t know Mario; he is the friendly Italian guy at the wedding. Anyhow, Mario told me -He sees John as a god at the office..................................................... And I must agree, you never see John, and when you see him doing anything it feels like a miracle.
Joking aside, I want to say what a privilege it is today to be your best man. I couldn’t wish for a better brother and how much you mean is really impossible to put into words. The whole family is proud of you John, and we are all thrilled to see you marrying your beautiful bride Susan today.
Susan, I have heard on numerous occasions that marriage is in no way easy, I haven’t experienced it as such but I do know you will do your best and rise above all expectations, as we all know, you are not only an achiever, but you do not settle for 2nd best. Welcome to the family, you have been part of us for very long, now you have papers to show it.
Ladies and gentleman, a toast to the Bride & groom, may you have a prosperous and healthy marriage.