PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 26
Article views: 2918
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Beware organic gardening!

30 November 2012, 09:00

After reading the comments aimed at the lady who doesn’t use toilet paper; who rarely takes a bath and uses no deodorant; who grows veggies in effluent from a septic tank; who never uses a razor – and who must surely be the scariest person on Earth to get stuck with in a lift – I was reminded of an extremely nauseating experience I have had.

Last year I bought a new house, and, in a moment of weakness – after being stupidified from reading an article on organic *horticulture – I decided to buy “organic compost” for my garden and lawn.

Visions of lush grass, **weed, and blooming flowers sprang to mind as I “researched” this greenie-beanie system of growing plants. No more superphosphates or man-made fertilizers for me!

My research turned up all sorts of useful information: “It can be expected that insect, fungal, and other problems will plague plants grown organically. However, pheromone traps, insecticidal soap sprays, and other pest-control methods are available to organic farmers.”

Farmers? Great! I was going to be a farmer! Malema was going to sing: “Kill the Boer” for me!

But that’s not all!

First, I get to breed insects, fungus, and other pests – right here on my own little farm – and then I get to kill them! Just like those evil Western Cape farmers who allegedly kill their poor, underpaid farmworkers.

So, off I went to the local nursery with a ***boeresong in my heart. I bought twelve bags of organic compost. (It would have been more – but that was all I could fit in the boot of my car.)

Back on my “farm” I got dressed in my best AWB outfit: two-tone boere-shirt (made in China), jeans (made in China), takkies (made in China), and baseball cap with the “Proudly South African” logo (also made in China).

Due to financial constraints, I don’t employ any wekkas on my farm. If something needs to be broken or stolen, I’m the best man for the job. Why pay someone with no qualifications to do the job, I always say.

Man! Organic compost is heavy! But finally I had all the bags unloaded and lined up against the garden wall. The great moment arrived at last! I was going to contribute to nature’s astonishing miracle – growing green stuff!

With a trembling hand, I opened my ****knipmes, cut the first bag open, and started spreading the organic compost over the lawn – with my bare hands.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Or, to put it mildly: Pigshit! Pigshit! Pigshit!

The organic stuff must have been VERY fresh from the pig’s organ: dark green, bubbling, and smelling – one would imagine – like a toilet-paperless person does – on a good day.

I nearly died! Words from the Old Testament came to mind: “Unclean, unclean!” and, “Beware thee the organic stuff from the grunting, oinking beast with the cloven hooves and corkscrew tail! Thee shalt wash thyself seventy-seven times seven – in other words – three hundred and sixty-five times, henceforth one calendar year, in yonder river Jordan. Thou shalt stinketh no more!”

I’ll spare you the rest of the gory details. (And my wife’s hysterical laughter coming from the house.)

Suffice it to say, this incident brought my career as a shitsistence farmer to an untimely end. Nipped in the bud, so to speak. It took two bottles of Dettol and several kilolitres of water to get rid of the smell. And that was just to get my hands clean. The garden has been placed under quarantine – like Chernobyl – unsafe for 50 000 years. We don’t go there anymore.

I donated the rest of the bags of swine manure to a friend who runs a gardening service. He has since stopped talking to me.

I still wonder why.

*horticulture – From Latin hortus  and cultura, meaning: Beware of Organic Compost”

**weed – From ancient Greek, meaning: the Oracle’s Smoke of Choice

***boeresong – A song sung by farmers: “Have You Ever Seen the Rain”

****knipmes – Traditional weapon, also known as a “Boere panga”

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
26 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Narian Chengiah Naidoo
A Civilized Society

Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. said, "Taxes are what we pay for a civilized society." Those words carry value and meaning only if "civilized" is understood as being good, happy and beneficial to all citizens. Read more...

2 comments 122 views
Submitted by
Rodney Bevan
SA under Zuma

Jacob Zuma, along with a handful of cronies has single handedly almost destroyed the country, its people and its economy. Read more...

23 comments 1430 views
Submitted by
The Fox 5366
Illegal Miners: Voiceless Prostit...

There's been a lot said about legalising prostitution so that prostitutes can be protected, receive healthcare and not be victimised. Read more...

9 comments 342 views
Submitted by
siphokuhle dludla
The real South Africa today

Truth be told, South Africa is a country with palpable inequalities, which is a fact, it is a country where poverty continues to lacerate a huge number of our population particularly black people. Read more...

13 comments 641 views
Submitted by
Greypatriot
The ANC constitution does not off...

The official ANC constitution does not forbid or punish corruption. The term corruption is not listed or defined as a key term in the latest version of the official constitution of the ANC. Read more...

4 comments 367 views
Submitted by
LeboDang Macman
Why using race as a proxy doesnt ...

I am not an academic nor do I profess to be, so everything I write will be based purely on experience. Read more...

11 comments 524 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Escape winter, head to Mauritius

Escape winter by spending 7 nights in Mauritius' tropical bliss from R13 215 per person sharing. Includes return flights, airport transfers and accommodation. Book now!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

Get many eggs in one basket!

Gaming bundles: 2 Super Hits games for R99, 3 Disney games for R99 and more + exclusive accessory bundles only available on kalahari.com. While stocks last. Shop now!

25% off bestselling books!

The Real Meal Revolution by Tim Noakes, Jeffrey Archer’s Be Careful What You Wish for, Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor E. Frank and many more titles. Shop now!

Up to 25% off electronics

Buy top electronics and save up to 25%. Such as kalahari.com’s 1# selling product the gobii eReader, Patriot X Porter flash drive, Asus Nexus 7” 3G tablet, Samsung Galaxy SIII, Lenovo G580 Notebook and many more. Shop now!

DStv HD PVR Decoder now R949

The DStv HD PVR Decoder has further revolutionised the television experience with lifelike viewing, sharper images, more vibrant colours and precision picture quality. Now R949, save R550. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Up to 30% off appliances & homeware

Save up to 30% on appliances and homeware this Easter! Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now.

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Digital Media & Marketing Association
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.