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Big Five challenge

26 September 2012, 08:44

On a recent visit to a game farm, the conversation drifted towards the Big Five. (No, dummy, not the five million bucks that is stolen by the average politician each year – we were talking “Big Five,” animals.)

The phrase Big Five Game was coined by big game hunters and refers to the five most difficult animals in Africa to hunt on foot. Members of the Big Five were chosen for the difficulty in hunting them – and the degree of danger involved – rather than their size.

The collection consists of:

(Panthera leo) The lion, named after a famous beer brewed by the South African Breweries (SAB), now extinct in this country. It is still available in Botswana. Lions are pathetic rugby players.

(Loxodonta africana) The African elephant. This animal has been known to play a trumpet just before charging at humans. Experts recommend that you should stand your ground when this happens. A charging elephant will rush right up to you and flap its ears, thus cooling you down. It will then calmly walk away. (Don’t forget to change your trousers afterwards.)

(Syncerus caffer) The Cape buffalo is a large horned bovid. Buffalo are sometimes said to kill more people in Africa than any other animal. It is so dangerous, that just using its Latin name will get you arrested, fired from your job, penalized, circumnavigated, drawn and quartered, and branded a “racist.” Buffaloes sell for anything up to R20 million. Most people, “swimming in the sea of poverty,” are still unable to afford one.

(Panthera pardus) The leopard. This animal cannot change its spots; but it can change into a liquidiser if cornered – according to a wildlife expert employed by the Mpumalanga Tourism and Parks Agency, who tangled with one recently. Leopard skin is worn as traditional dress by some indigenous people – along with Nikes and dark glasses.

(Diceros bicornis) The rhinoceros – black, of course; to comply with the government’s racist BEE policy. (White rhinos are racists.) Rhino horn is mainly used by Chinese men who are born with very tiny reproductive organs, or “plicks,” in the Chinese vernacular. Cutting off the plicks, of all Chinese men at birth, might solve the problem of rhino poaching in this country.

That was just some background on our Big Five. But what about all the other dangerous things in our country? Remember: size doesn’t count – only the degree of threat that is posed.

Off the cuff, I can think of the following things:

(Anopheles) The mosquito. Spreads malaria worldwide. Kills thousands of children in Africa each year.

(Musca domestica) The common housefly carries germans, disease and parasites.

(fractum condom) The broken condom. The free, but unpredictable, Government-issue prophylactics, often lead to the transmission of HIV/AIDS. The education system is so poor that hardly anyone can read and write – let alone understand the ABC strategy.

(umshayeli wetekisi) Taxi driver. This animal kills more people on our roads than everything else combined. It does not pay taxes and will be exempt from the new e-tolling system. Authorities do not have the will to control this lawless creature. Plicks, all of them.

(corrupta politici) Corrupt politicians. These gluttonous animals are totally incompetent and have no moral values. They spend all their time feeding at the trough on the gravy train. Their leader, who has a spear instead of a plick, doesn’t believe in taking chances with a fractum condom – he simply takes a shower afterwards. In December they will migrate to Mangaung.

Now here’s the challenge:

I’m sure the News24 readers can come up with a much better list than mine. Go for it – name your Big Five!

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