Yes the dreaded words “Borderline Personality Disorder”. I am, always have been and most probably always will be a BPD sufferer. It started out as “Avoidant Personality Disorder” and through all the hardships and heartache I suffered through life it slowly transformed into BPD with a comorbidity with AvPD. I cannot even begin to explain what that feels like inside and what its like to be in my head.
Having to live with something like this is very difficult and really not very pleasant at all. Ive never really had a sense of identity, im thirty-four years old and I don’t know who I am, how to act, how to talk to people, how to just be. Im always over analyzing everything and every reaction from others towards me. Im extremely shy, not the kind of shy that you can grow out of or learn to leave behind you. Im the kind of shy that doesn’t like to be in a crowd full of people because it makes me very nervous and I always think that everyone is judging me or talking about me or laughing at me.
I feel a constant sense of shame and disappointment in myself because I feel like im a ten year old in a woman’s body. Every intimidates me, and I mean literally everyone. I feel intimidated and inferior to everyone I come across, meet and talk to. Aside from that I tend to have realy bad mood swings, not because im just a plain bitch, but because I don’t understand peoples reactions the way im supposed to. I don’t understand why some of the things I say or do offend people. I am extremely emotional and I have an over abundance of empathy for others. One of the most commom myths and misunderstandings about a person with BPD is that they lack empathy. But this is actually not true at all because a BPD sufferer usually has too many emotions and too much empathy, and that’s what makes it so difficult to deal with stressful situations in life. If another person is hurtful towards another person it breaks my heart and I feel so bad for them, as if its happening to me. A person that lacks empathy is called a sociopath/psychopath, those are the kind that turn into serial killers. People tend to get the two mixed up and sometimes even think its one in the same. Not true. We are infact total opposites. A sociopath has a very strong personality and sense of identity. Whereas a BPD does not. A sociopath lacks empathy for others. A BPD has too much empathy for others. A sociopath lacks emotion. A BPD has too many emotions. You could say that a BPD is emotionally immature.
Making friends is very difficult for someone like me because I don’t know how to be around people. I always try different ways of speaking and dressing and different styles of personality and nothing ever seems to fit me. I never seem to fit in anywhere or with anyone. Its very difficult for me to keep a job because im not very confidant and am not good with people. That being said, im not very successful as far as money is concerned. My relationships never last long because im always too emotional, clingy and moody.
So, that’s just a bit of insight into the mind of a Borderline sufferer.