Hiram an’ Abner an’ Bubba wus walkin’ up t’ Grammaw’s cabin, cus they heerd Bubba wus avisitin’, an’ he wus a’ways good f’r a laugh wus Bubba, him comin’ f’um th’ big city an’ all. Man, he had some stories t’ tell! He wus a riot an’ then some.
It wus kinda quiet when they got t’ th’ cabin, which wus a mite strange, cus Bubba, he wus a’ways makin’ folks laugh till their britches wus wet. When they done walked into th’ cabin, he wus lookin’ mighty down in th’ mouth. Fact, he din even yell out, ‘Hey there perfessor!’ when he seen Hiram, an’ thet wus sumpin he a’ways done, as a joke like.
‘Hey Bubba, you ain’t lookin so bright,’ said Abner. He din’ care nuthin ‘bout folk’s feelin’s.
Bubba looked up, real hangdawg like. They seen, when they come in, even his pickup wus dirty, an thet warn’t like Bubba. ‘Mary Ellen lef’ me,’ he said, all sof’ like.
‘But I thought you two wus gonna git hitched!’ said Abner.
‘Yup, we wus, but she’s sayin’ I did sumpin’ so bad she cain’t ever f’rgive me.’
‘Whut in tarnation didja do?’ asked Abner. He wus a’ways tryin t’ be in th’ spotlight, making hisself important like.
‘She a’ways done tol’ me she wanted t’ make love in a canoe, so I organised ever’thang an’ took her out t’ the canoe an’ everthang, an’ we wus makin’ real sweet love when thet thang stopped an’ I had t’ put in another quarter t’ git it goin’ again.’
‘But that cain’t be a reason t’ leave you!’ said Abner. ‘Wusn’ like it wus yore fault.’
‘Yes, I know,’ said Bubba, but she got upset wi’ me cause there wus a kid waitin’ t’ go on the ride an’ I slapped him ‘round the haid. She said it’s abusin’ a child, an she pulled up her britches an’ lef’, an I ain’t seen her since. When I got t’ the trailer, she wus gone, an’ her folks say they don’ know where, but I thank they’re lyin’.’
‘Hmph!’ said Abner.’Soun’s like it t’me.’ He wus the centre of ‘ttention now, an’lovin’ it. ‘I had me a girlfrien’ oncet; she done ditched me cause I peed in th’ crick.’
Buford looked at him wi’ them big ol’ eyes of his an’ said, ‘Now yore jest plumb lyin’. You never had no girlfrien’!’
‘Well, not a real girlfrien’ but we wus out on a date,’ he said grudging like.
‘So she din’ wanna go out wi’ you no more cause you peed in the crick? Thet’s jest plain dumb!’ said Bubba.
‘I thunk so too, but she said it wus cause I wus standin’ up in the canoe, an’ she near to fell out.’
Bubba shook his haid. ‘Ain’t no understandin’ wimmen,’ he muttered.
‘Y’know, oncet she said she wanted t’ do it like a rodeo, an’ I’m a’ways game for sumpin’ like that, but that saddle hurt like hell, I kin tell you. But that wusn’t the worst!’
They all looked at him, amazed like, an’ said, ‘Whut could be worse than thet?’
‘The rodeo clown standin’ in th’ corner, thet’s whut!’
Well that set them off agin. This wus more like th’ ol’ Bubba, makin’ ever’body laugh. Nuthin’ could keep him down for long.
‘I went to one a them topless bars in Memphis,’ he said.
‘Yeah?’ They all looked at him, amazed like, Buford’s eyes like saucers. ‘Whut wus it like?’
‘Not so great. It started rainin’ and ever’body got wet.’ Well, thet set ‘em off agin. Yep, Bubba wus back, an’ he wus forgettin Mary Ellen real quick.
‘So whut’re you gonna do ‘bout Mary Ellen,’ asked Abner.
‘I reckon I’ll hitch up the trailer an’ drive aroun’ a mite. Ifn she sees it, she’ll git homesick an’ maybe come back. Ifn she don’t, some other gal will see that there double wide an’ no self-respectin’ woman kin resist that there palace on wheels, oncet I clean up my pickup an’ make her all shiny agin.’ He nodded, satisfied like. ‘Ifn she don’ come home, an home don’ fin’ her, home wil jest have t’ fin somebody else!’
Well, they wus walkin back to their cabin, an’ Hiram said, ‘Y’know, f’r a man without no college eddication, that Bubba shore is smart!’
Them other two agreed wi’ him. ‘Y’know whut he’s got? University of life, an’ that you cain’t git in no college!’
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