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Bubba an' Me

15 November 2012, 09:40

A lot of you folks a bin gittin’ hot under th’ collar ‘bout my frien’ Bubba, and I thank you got it figgered all wrong. You thank he’s some insensitive jerk, but that ain’t zackly so. He got hisself a High School eddication, so he kin read proper an’ even unnerstan’, not like Abner. Why he kin even write on one a’ them computers!

Now some folks on thisyere forum are sayin’ some pretty nasty thangs ‘bout him, but tha’s cause they don’ unnerstan’ him. Heart o’ gold, tha’s whut he’s got. Why you could jest see them little Eskimo kids waggin’ their tails when he brung them fresh seal meat! I know we ain’t supposed t’ say Eskimo no more, ‘count a they’s called Inyouit, but that don’t change nothing. In their hearts, they’s Eskimos, and they don’ know squat about seal huntin’ so Bubba done the decent thang and went an killed hisself a whole passel a baby seals for these little Eskimo kids. Takes a good man to be doin’ sumpin like that.’

An’ you ladies gittin’ all personal like that, it jest ain’t right. How can you tell a man he got a tiny little winky, when you ain’t never seen it? He done’ tol’ me hisself, he’s got more than a handful there, and he knows, cause he’s got it in his hand a lot o’ the time.

An’ I figger you ladies is jealous cause his boobs is bigger than yourn, tha’s why you don’ like him: jealousy, plain an’ simple. An’ ifn you really wanna know, his fust two wives lef’ him cause they wus jealous of his boobs. An’ he don’ need no implants neither! Them’s as natural as all getout.

Tha’s why his third wife, when he wus lookin round, he seen thisyere woman, spittin image a Dolly Parton, and he thunk to hisself, “This one ain’t ever gonna get jealous a my boobs!” He wus thankin’ a marryin’ his sister, cause she’s real gifted, but she wus a’ready married t’ his cousin.

Now Buba’s a hardworkin’ man, an’ he spen’s all day breakin’ his back on the farm, him an’ his pappy, so when they get home, they don’ wan’ no sass fum the womenfolk. It’s on’y right a woman knows her place. It’s in the Bible. I don’ know where, cause I ain’t no preacher, but it’s there alrighty.

And a woman has t’ know when t’ talk, an’ when t’ listen. A body kin get real irritated listenin’ t’ that yammerin’ comin’ fum the womenfolk. Bubba done tol’ me that the on’y thang that could a made Mary Ellen, his new wife, better, was ifn she was a mute.

Man, I laughed when he tol’ me that! Beer come shootin’ straight out my nose!

But you people gotta unnerstand sumpin about Bubba. He’s got an awful amount a book larnin’, and he tells me stuff, make my eyes pop right outn my haid. Now me, I don’ know nothin’ bout computers, but he tol’ me he done give you scientific facts and y’all jest laughed at him an’ called him names. That ain’t p’lite.

There’s millions a people starvin’ in Japan, an’ an’ all you worry ‘bout is them whales that’re bein’ kilt t’feed all them starvin’ Japanese. Now I know they wus the enemy in the war, but that wus a long time ago, an’ you gotta be leavin’ that there grudge alone. Ain’t right, all them little starvin’ Japanese children an’ all you kin thank ‘bout is whales!

People need fish t’ eat, an whales eat maybe a million fish at a time! Whut in tarnation d’you thank is goin’ t’happen t’ the fish ifn we jest leave the whales? There won’t be none lef’, tha’s whut!

I thank th’ problem with you people is you’re jest plain jealous!

Bubba done studied these thangs! I nearly wet mah britched when he tol’ me ‘bout them cow farts, and how they making the whole earth git hotter, but I kin tell you sumpin. You come down to Tennessee ‘roun’ August, an’ you’ll see he ain’t tellin’ no lies. But you folks don’ care none. You mock him an’ hurt his feelin’s sumpin’ fierce, but he don’ care, cause he done tol’ me scientists always been persecuted, an’ it ain’t gonna stop anytime soon.

Even when he talks t’you folks ‘bout sumpin reasonable, like road tollin’, you jump all over him. Tain’t fair, I tell you, it jest ain’t!

We put tolls on our roads so them poor starving kids in Africa kin get some food in their little bellies, but when yore own gov’mint wants t’ feed yore own children, y’all say it cain’t be done. I think tha’s mighty selfish, If y’don’ mind me sayin’ so.

We’uns here in America gotta pay tolls t’feed yore starving children, but you don’ wanna do it yoreselves.

Anyhows, I jes’ thought about how I’d clear the air an’ let you folks give Bubba another chance. He’s a good guy who knows how to treat wimmen proper, and he really cares about folks and thangs.

An’ ladies, y’gotta unnerstan’ where he’s cummin’ fum when he says theseyere thangs t’you. He’s tellin’ it t’you f’ yore own good, cause you ain’t never gonna geta decent man ifn you carry on that way.

All Bubba asks is repec’, an I thank you should be givin’ it t’ him.

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