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Can a spermatozoon conceive?

21 January 2014, 07:12

It never fails: just when I think I’m beginning to understand this crazy world, something happens that brings me down to earth. This happened again today at the shopping mall, as I got back to my car.

Found a flyer stuck under my windscreen wiper. (No, Sakkie, not a pilot. It’s those annoying little adverts that they clip under the wiper blades. They’re called: Flyers.)

I ripped it out, got in the car, and read it while waiting for my lovely wife to finish bankrupting us with her excessively compulsive shopping habits. The flyer read:

Help yours to be super strong

Give your little guys a boost of Essentials Oligocare and help them to be swimming champions.”

So there I was, thinking that this must be vitamins that I should buy for one of my granddaughters – the one who loves swimming so much; let’s call her Bernice, shall we?

Sounded interesting, so I read some more:

“Battling to conceive? Help yours be super strong.”

Now to me, the word “conceive,” means one of the following: imagine, visualize, picture, envision, consider, etc.

Again, because I’m such a credulous and naive old fart, I thought the advert meant something along this line: “Are you battling to conceive/imagine/visualize/picture your granddaughter becoming a super strong swimming champion?”

This was when the wife comes up, gets in the car, and asks: “What’s that you’re reading?”

Giving her the flyer, I said: “It’s just an advert for vitamins that we should buy for Bernice to improve her swimming.”

She finished reading the ad, and just as we passed under the boom at the parking garage, she quietly said just five words: “You are such an idiot.”

(She often flatters me with compliments like this. Isn’t love a wonderful thing?)

“Here it says: ‘Giving you stronger nutritional support for a better chance of conceiving.’ Didn’t you see that?”

“Of course, dear,” I said. “But I can quite easily conceive/imagine/visualize/picture Bernice becoming a swimming champion.”

“You are such an idiot!” (She was flattered me again.) “This product is supposed to boost your sperm and make it easier to conceive!”

(I thought about this while weaving in and out of the traffic – as usual, trying to avoid being killed by the taxis. Finally it dawned on me; in this case, they were talking about “conceiving” in the pregmatic way – like when females became “expecting,” after they’ve been positively inseminated and impregnated, at the same time.)

“OK. You’re so clever,” I said. “Have you ever heard of a male conceiving? This company, Essentials Oligocare, is obviously scamming REAL MEN, like me, with false adverting. Even super strong spermatozoons, like mine, will never become pregmatic, no matter how hard they try to conceive.”

That got her…

She just turned away, stared out the window, and mumbled something that sounded like: “Why me Lord?"

PS  You know me. I’m always reading up on a lot of things that I know nothing about. That’s why I know nothing about a lot of things. I read up on Oligocare, and found that, by using big words, they’re trying to confuse Sakkie and me. Here’s what I found:

Oligocare Indications: “Prevention of oxidative injury to sperm as well as improvement in spermatogenesis.” (In other words: it will prevent your sperm from rusting and improve their knowledge of the Bible; hence the reference to Genesis.)

This is followed by what seems to be the words of an ancient curse: “Oligospermia, asthenospermia / asthenozoospermia, teratospermia / teratozoospermia, idiopathic male subfertility and androgen deficiency.”

Dangerous stuff, indeed!

I don’t think I’ll be buying this product in the near future. At my age, it’s not a good thing to conceive…

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