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Lauren Rants
 
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Catering for Human Laziness

18 February 2013, 11:00

Have you ever seen a Glomail, Verimark or Homemark ad on TV, and thought Wow, this is awesome! I need to buy it…Yes, it does look awesome, doesn’t it? That’s marketing – cleverly making you think you need something that really is the most useless, pointless and pathetic “invention” in human history. One of my favourite comedic pass-times has to be going onto their websites and seeing what the latest ridiculous fad is. The best laugh has to be their television commercials.

Have you noticed how all of these adverts start out in black and white, displaying someone struggling so intensely with their product, looking all morbid and feeling sorry for themselves, the accompanying voiceover full of doom and gloom, until suddenly everything bursts into colour like The Wizard of Oz and suddenly everybody is using the revolutionary Glomail product and their life is so much better now. This is marketing. This is taking advantage of human stupidity. This is catering for human laziness.

Tell me why you need to buy an “Egg Cracker”, as opposed to using your hands and cracking an egg yourself?


Tell me why you need a piece of material to put underneath a shirt that fakes a look that you are wearing another shirt underneath? (Instead of buying an actual shirt that is probably even cheaper?)

Tell me why you need a “Slim Suit” to wear underneath your clothes to pull in all your fat, while looking like a scuba diver underneath, as opposed to exercising like is, um, normal? (Imagine how sexy that is if you are getting hot and steamy, and your shirt is taken off to reveal a “hide-my-fat”-scuba-suit…)

Or tell me why you need a vibration-machine that jiggles your fat away, as opposed to getting up off your backside and shaking it about yourself? (Also, why are all the models who advertise these weight loss products anorexic already? Because they so desperately need to lose weight and shape up)

Tell me why I need to spend hundreds of Rand on a machine that slices my veggies for me, instead of just taking a knife and doing it myself for free?

Tell me why I need “Non-Slip-Velvet-Hangers” for hundreds of rand, instead of buying unbranded hangers that have secure hooked sides for next to nothing? Clothes cannot slip on these hangers and they are so cheap!

Why do I need a “Shower-mate” that organizes all my products into one dispenser? Because bottles “clogging” up the shower are so inconvenient and difficult to deal with? Are we SO spoilt?

Please, God, tell me why I need a “Body-Blanket”? It is a glorified dressing gown that has just been designed to be more loose and blanket-like-looking. It is a dressing gown people - a dressing gown. For twice the price, cause it’s a “new invention”.

Tell me why I need to buy orange-juice-tanning-gloves that will make me look like the Oros man? Are people so unhappy in their own skins and afraid to embrace their looks?

Why do I need “detox” patches that I stick under my feet, instead of just eating healthier and looking after myself, so as to prevent those toxins from getting into my body in the first place?

We are all guilty of buying a product from one of these companies at some point in our lives, but if we are attracted toward something, let’s take a step back and think – do I really need this? Seriously, do I REALLY need this? Is it worth all that money, or can I actually muster up the energy to do something myself without the assistance of a futuristic robot? 99% of the time, if you are honest with yourself, you will realize that you are better off without it, AND you will have saved money. Let’s stop coming up with excuses as to why you need a product from these thieving fools. We spend so much money to entertain our laziness. It is a complete waste. Stop supporting the fad that is “Brand Innovation”, and see it for what it is…Brand Abomination.

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