I have a confession to make. I loathe cats, I always have and I always will. I'm not talking about wild cats but rather the common, so-called "domesticated feline". This animal must be one of nature's cruelest ever to walk the face of the earth. These wicked, four legged beasts have somehow managed to coerce their way into some peoples' homes and lives. But don't take my word for it, let me give you three examples why these despicable balls of fluff should be seen as the pestilence that they really are:
1) They are not rubbing against you because they love you. No, cats are not like adorable dogs, wagging their tails, happy to see you. The wily feline is not concerned about you. This insidious beast will decide when and where it wants to make contact. But this is not the worst part of it. When your lovely, little muggles decides to brush past you, it is not showing affection.
No, this despicable animal is marking it's territory. You see, cats have pheromone-oozing scent glands and that "innocent" and "affectionate" brush is a sinister attempt to mark you as their property. Muggles is not loving you, Muggles is covering you in hormones to display that you are their slave.
2) Ancient Egyptians used to worship felines. They also included snakes in many of their religious ceremonies. So what is the relevance of this you may ask? Well, if you have ever been unfortunate enough to encounter an upset cat, you will inevitably be met with the distinctive hiss of the serpent and sharp teeth waiting to slice into your flesh.
So the next time you piss off Muggles and it hisses at you, it's not just showing its disapproval and disgust - It's pretending to be something that can kill you. And it would, if it wasn't a parasite dependent upon its next feeding time.
3) Your kitty is a sociopath and heartless murderer. Yes, the malevolent feline enjoys to hunt innocent prey in your garden. Birds, mice, anything is fair game for the fiendish feline. Muggles knows that there is enough food at home. There is no need to hunt for food. What your car enjoys is the pure thrill of the kill, the slow, painful torture of innocent creatures just for the hell of it. This diabolic, nefarious creature has no soul and no sense of remorse.
My name is Rachel and I endorse this Public Service Announcement.
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