This article is not to be read by any wife. It will horrify you.
This is a beginner’s guide to cheating the clever way without her ever finding out. That is assuming she has turned into the fridge you never would have thought the doll, in that flowing white wedding dress, could ever become.
1. First test the waters. You know that feeling you get when you need to be close to your wife and she ducks and dives anything that could lead to sex? I’m going to assume you know how to seduce a woman if you are reading this, so we won’t go into foreplay techniques in this article. You are reading this because “the fridge” has now shut the door and you need to be a man again. Stop being in a bad mood about the issue and know there is a better way to deal with this issue than throw your toys out the cot or kick the dog. Remember you are paying the bond and you don’t want to lose this asset of yours.
2. Next up is the gym. Tell her you are concerned about your health and rid yourself of any love handles you might have acquired because of the lack of sexual exercise in the bedroom. It is vital that are in top form if you are going to hit the highway of sin again.
3. If you are an atheist, get a church and start worshipping. Doesn’t matter who you worship, Buddha will also do, as long as you go to a building every Sunday to pretend you have turned your life around. She will love the new religious man. Don’t pull a face while reading this!
There will be women at that church you can sit and fantasise about while the preacher rambles on about your condemnation.
4. Now rearrange your study at home. Swing your desk with your chair against the window so you face the door and with your computer monitor’s back to the doorway, so you sit behind your desk facing the door.
5. Now get an impossible password for your laptop. I used “because-I'm-worth-it”, the punch line of that L’Oreal ad on TV. She would never think you would use a female cosmetic product to protect your sordid private life. Don’t use the kids name or the dog’s name. If she uses the computer as well, stay away from it because you never know what her IT cousin that recently graduated from IT school might teach her about passwords.
6. At this point you are in both the gym and church. The new man has arisen from the ashes of the sexual desert. Don’t worry about the pain at the gym. If you watch all the hot numbers gymming you forget that you are on the treadmill. While you are burning fat, your arteries are opening up and not only to your heart. All of the arteries open up and allow blood circulation like a 13 year old boy discovering the wonders of erectile functions.
7. Are you ready for the Cyber Highway to Hell? Then wait till she has creamed her face at night and tell her you have work to tend to and go make her some tea. Go to your doctor and tell him you can’t sleep and get some sleeping tablets. Crush a sleeping tablet into her tea and wait 20 minutes. Shiny cream face will soon doze off into slumberland and dream of a new dress and your moment has arrived to hit the Forbidden Freeway. Don’t forget to give the fridge a sweet innocent peck on the cheek. Not on the mouth please. You don’t want her to wake up thinking you are about to attack her with your Spear!
8. Now dash to your study and feel the joys of youth return to the hell you created for yourself.
9. First Cyber rule. Don’t use your credit card anywhere on the net. There are thousands of free sites. You don’t want to leave any evidence.
10. If you are a beginner it is a good idea to join a site like Love2Meet. It is owned by Naspers so it is very tame and a lot of church going ex-fridges are on it. Thousands of them. Don’t pay with your credit card. They have a facility so you can pay cash at Pick ‘n Pay. No tracks remember?
11. Create a false name and then design your profile. You are widowed. Doesn’t matter if you are 25 or 65, she has passed on to a mansion in the sky. Oh yes, please don’t tell those ex-fridges on the dating site you are an atheist! Please not! Be a Christian. They are the easiest prey because they believe anything you tell them.
12. If you are not in shape yet, dig up some old matric pictures of yourself and put them up. But seriously, you really need to get to the gym. No pain, no pleasure. All those ex-fridges on the dating site are as shallow as we are.
13. In your narratives on the dating site you tell them how much you miss your wife and you are joining to meet your soul mate. They lap that up like a dog licking the last bit of Sunday chicken from the oven dish.
14. DON’T give any telephone numbers yet. There is a section where you have to say what kind of personality you are. Don’t say anything evil or sexual. Pretend you have forgotten you have a penis. Portray the perfect man. They all love impotent men with huge bank accounts. They have all lost their live-in pension fund and are prowling for the next victim.
15. Once your profile is up, they will attack you like some bees after a flower. If they ask where you work you need to say you work on a new construction site in a remote area like Transkei and you will be back in the big city within a few weeks. Tell them the site is in the mountains and you don’t have cell reception on the site. It is too remote and Vodacom and Telkom are useless. Pretend to be very aggravated about the cell situation.
16. They love construction men. Even better if you have a bakkie. They just love bakkies and 4x4’s. They get fantasies of wild sex in the bush in the bakkie with some not yet extinct Rhino nudging the vehicle with a horn that hasn’t left for China yet.
17. Create some time to sift through the stream of women attacking you. Cape Town ones are the worst. That place is so gay the straight guys are all dying young because they get sexually abused like in no other place on earth.
18. Eventually you drive them crazy with lust and anticipation. Remember you are the heartbroken widower stuck in Transkei in the mountains.
19. This exercise up to this point will teach you how to date the Cyber way. Now you have to decide what you really want. Have you met some hungry needy divorcee on the innocent dating site or do you need a wild cat?
20. If the needy divorcee is eager to meet you, pretend to be in town for a meeting and set up a date. Call her an hour before the date and tell her you are stuck in traffic and can’t you meet at her place because you need to shower. Don’t suggest this when setting up the date initially. She will know what you are up to. Leave it for an hour before the set time of the date.
21. Stop at a Quick Shop and buy some flowers. Pull your shirt out and look tired and in need of a shower when you get to the door of her place. There you stand all hungry and dirty with flowers in your hand. Her heart will melt!
22. Leave your cell in the car. Don’t take it with you. They always want a number.
23. Give her a light hug and smile sweetly like a school boy.
24. Now after you greeted the rejuvenated fridge, ask if you can shower. Don’t close any doors when you get undressed. You want her to see your equipment. Remember they haven’t seen this pest for a while so they love the sight of this bone of contention.
25. Get into the shower and then shout for a towel. When she brings the towel and opens the shower door, be seen to be washing your junk. It drives then crazy with lust!
26. By the time you get out of the shower drying yourself, ask her to dry your back. Turn around and the world will be your oyster! Have a raincoat in your pocket close by!
27. Once back in your car, just drive off and never return. Block her on the dating site and seek the next victim.
Now if you haven’t sold your soul to the Devil yet after reading all of this and you are horrified, then print this and give it to your wife to read. Tell her this comes from a dirty shallow Pig on News24 and doesn't she think he should be castrated and shot?
After she has read this, your love life will be like no other on earth and she will worship you forever because now that she has read about me, you will look as if the Angels flew you down to earth