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Comedy Central

11 February 2014, 10:31

How is it that we live in the Comedy Central of the world, and a satirist can actually post on this forum that he can no longer write satire? I know the politicians are stealing his best lines, but surely he can find something?

Why don’t we start at the beginning? President Jacob Zuma cannot understand all the fuss about Nkandla. How could he possibly? His love-child, Juju, has a higher education than him! With only Grade Five it would be pretty tough to understand anything!

‘My fellow South…Africans. It is with…great honour that… I stand here today…as your President. Helen Zille wants… to put me… in jail…but first she must get me out… of Nkandla. Heh, heh, heh, heh!’

A very jolly man, our President, ignorance being bliss and all that.

And Juju, our clownish, doltish once-heir to the crown, who loves all white people, as long as they give everything to the EFF. That by the way, is what he means by the people.

One of my correspondents (yes, I’m read as far afield as Poepieskloof and Gat Sonder Poep) planted a bug in the offices of Agang (not in the Cape Flats, you understand, but the so-called political party).

Mamphele: We have to get some money, so we can run this campaign, and get some staples for that stapler.

Hlompo: Hau! But you told the ANC you’ve got fifty-five million Rand! Why don’t you use some of that money?

Mamphele: Hey wena! I’m the boss here. If you want some staples, go out and buy them. My money is my money. I earned it as a struggle veteran working for Goldfields.

Mwazi: Hau, ma’am, we haven’t even got money for tea! We’re sharing teabags!

Mamphele: Don’t worry. I’ve got a sponsor in London who says if I kiss Helen Zille, he’ll give me the money for our campaign.

Hlompo: You mean he likes lesbians?

Mamphele: No, you mampara! He wants me to kiss her and then, when she wants to make me President, I must say she’s a white madam who wants to bring back Apartheid.

Mwazi: Is that what the donor wants?

Mamphele: Hey! Why do ask me questions like that? What the donor wants is my business!

Mwazi: Sorry. So you going to kiss the ugly white madam?

Mamphele: For so much money? Of course!

The staples and teabag jokes are courtesy of LNN.

Then, of course, we have our esteemed Premier of Gauteng blaming the civil unrest on Third Forces who want to destabilise the country ahead of the elections.

Nomvula Mokonyane: This riots is not about people crying about no water and no toilets and police killing them. This people are happy: they LOVE the ANC, because we brought them freedom. No, they are rioting because a Third Force organised by the DA wants to destabilise the country so the peoples think the ANC does not love them. Those peoples are bad.

Johannesburg is much better than it was twenty years ago. It is the Gateway to Africa, and when people come to Africa, they want an African experience. High grass on the pavements, broken roads, no street lights and raw sewage running in the streets: That is Africa, and that is what peoples want when they come to Jozi.

The DA wants to bring back Apartheid transport. African time is not good enough for them. They don’t want trains with nice paintings on them, where you can throw people out if they make you cross. They want Apartheid trains and buses.

There: how difficult was that?

Robert McBride as head of the IPID. Who better to investigate criminals than a criminal? He knows how the criminal mind works!

There’s a saying, an old one granted: you get lies, damned lies, and statistics.

In South Africa you get lies, damned lies and politics.

Cyril Ramaphosa: We didn’t knock down that cyclist. He fell down and hit his head on a tree; that’s why his shoes came off and his legs are cut and bruised. Because he’s an epileptic. We stopped to help him, because we’re the ANC and we love the people. The DA are trying to make us look bad before the elections.

Jacob Zuma (PBUH): The police…are wrong to…use such force…to control the…riots. But the people are…wrong also…to riot. This is not Malawi! We are a…proper African… country. If they respect the ancestors…they will…fetch water from the…river like their…ancestors did. Do you…think their ancestors…had electricity? No! They must not riot. They must respect the ancestor. Heh, heh, heh.

Jackson Nthembu: The DA are being very provocative if they march to Luthuli House. We cannot guarantee the behaviour of our members if they do that. We would never sanction it, but the members love the ANC so much, they would do anything to protect Luthuli House, even like they protected Nkandla.

Throwing poo on the steps of the Cape Legislature is not provocative; it is deserved, because the DA do not give our people proper flushing toilets with nice houses.

How difficult was that?

And I hardly changed a word.

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