PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Tyronehster
 
Comments: 8
Article views: 339
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Tyronehster's badges.
 

Comedy Central

11 February 2014, 10:31

How is it that we live in the Comedy Central of the world, and a satirist can actually post on this forum that he can no longer write satire? I know the politicians are stealing his best lines, but surely he can find something?

Why don’t we start at the beginning? President Jacob Zuma cannot understand all the fuss about Nkandla. How could he possibly? His love-child, Juju, has a higher education than him! With only Grade Five it would be pretty tough to understand anything!

‘My fellow South…Africans. It is with…great honour that… I stand here today…as your President. Helen Zille wants… to put me… in jail…but first she must get me out… of Nkandla. Heh, heh, heh, heh!’

A very jolly man, our President, ignorance being bliss and all that.

And Juju, our clownish, doltish once-heir to the crown, who loves all white people, as long as they give everything to the EFF. That by the way, is what he means by the people.

One of my correspondents (yes, I’m read as far afield as Poepieskloof and Gat Sonder Poep) planted a bug in the offices of Agang (not in the Cape Flats, you understand, but the so-called political party).

Mamphele: We have to get some money, so we can run this campaign, and get some staples for that stapler.

Hlompo: Hau! But you told the ANC you’ve got fifty-five million Rand! Why don’t you use some of that money?

Mamphele: Hey wena! I’m the boss here. If you want some staples, go out and buy them. My money is my money. I earned it as a struggle veteran working for Goldfields.

Mwazi: Hau, ma’am, we haven’t even got money for tea! We’re sharing teabags!

Mamphele: Don’t worry. I’ve got a sponsor in London who says if I kiss Helen Zille, he’ll give me the money for our campaign.

Hlompo: You mean he likes lesbians?

Mamphele: No, you mampara! He wants me to kiss her and then, when she wants to make me President, I must say she’s a white madam who wants to bring back Apartheid.

Mwazi: Is that what the donor wants?

Mamphele: Hey! Why do ask me questions like that? What the donor wants is my business!

Mwazi: Sorry. So you going to kiss the ugly white madam?

Mamphele: For so much money? Of course!

The staples and teabag jokes are courtesy of LNN.

Then, of course, we have our esteemed Premier of Gauteng blaming the civil unrest on Third Forces who want to destabilise the country ahead of the elections.

Nomvula Mokonyane: This riots is not about people crying about no water and no toilets and police killing them. This people are happy: they LOVE the ANC, because we brought them freedom. No, they are rioting because a Third Force organised by the DA wants to destabilise the country so the peoples think the ANC does not love them. Those peoples are bad.

Johannesburg is much better than it was twenty years ago. It is the Gateway to Africa, and when people come to Africa, they want an African experience. High grass on the pavements, broken roads, no street lights and raw sewage running in the streets: That is Africa, and that is what peoples want when they come to Jozi.

The DA wants to bring back Apartheid transport. African time is not good enough for them. They don’t want trains with nice paintings on them, where you can throw people out if they make you cross. They want Apartheid trains and buses.

There: how difficult was that?

Robert McBride as head of the IPID. Who better to investigate criminals than a criminal? He knows how the criminal mind works!

There’s a saying, an old one granted: you get lies, damned lies, and statistics.

In South Africa you get lies, damned lies and politics.

Cyril Ramaphosa: We didn’t knock down that cyclist. He fell down and hit his head on a tree; that’s why his shoes came off and his legs are cut and bruised. Because he’s an epileptic. We stopped to help him, because we’re the ANC and we love the people. The DA are trying to make us look bad before the elections.

Jacob Zuma (PBUH): The police…are wrong to…use such force…to control the…riots. But the people are…wrong also…to riot. This is not Malawi! We are a…proper African… country. If they respect the ancestors…they will…fetch water from the…river like their…ancestors did. Do you…think their ancestors…had electricity? No! They must not riot. They must respect the ancestor. Heh, heh, heh.

Jackson Nthembu: The DA are being very provocative if they march to Luthuli House. We cannot guarantee the behaviour of our members if they do that. We would never sanction it, but the members love the ANC so much, they would do anything to protect Luthuli House, even like they protected Nkandla.

Throwing poo on the steps of the Cape Legislature is not provocative; it is deserved, because the DA do not give our people proper flushing toilets with nice houses.

How difficult was that?

And I hardly changed a word.

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
8 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Reggie Makgoba
The creative student

There is nothing more fulfilling to any teacher than seeing their students challenge the status quo and finding ways to contribute new ideas to a subject with passion. Read more...

0 comments 144 views
Submitted by
Kelvin Esiasa167
Social Injustices should be curbe...

I am writing this article at the backdrop of calamities that have been taking places around the globe and the South African xenophobia is one such an example Read more...

4 comments 190 views
Submitted by
Magda_Kus
Stop Hate/ Xenophobia/ Racism - I...

If you were driving past a scene of an accident, with no emergency services in sight, would you carry on driving saying "I did not cause that accident!" Read more...

3 comments 156 views
Submitted by
Puff
Bloodlust

This man had a mother. A father. He was perhaps a brother, a friend, a lover. This man had a purpose. He had a dream. He had a life. He had laughter and love and hope waiting for him. Read more...

4 comments 555 views
Submitted by
Andre Colling
The Saudis, Iran, Yemen and a bad...

Many conclude that Yemen is yet another step towards the cataclysmic sectarian war and , quite possibly, the trigger that leads the region to this ultimate battle. I, for one, can find no reason not to hold a similar position. Read more...

2 comments 554 views
Submitted by
Elaine Bing
Roots of xenophobia and genocide

We don’t want to live in a country that harms others and we need to all take on the responsibility of preventing further violence. Read more...

27 comments 436 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2015 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.