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Irukandji
 
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Commentary, anyone?

14 April 2013, 18:09

Does anyone ever listen, I mean – really LISTEN – to what spokespersons, officials, and politicians say? You should: sometimes they can be extremely funny!

The remarks made by people who are interviewed on radio, or by reporters, often show how unqualified some of them are when asked to comment on a certain subject. In most cases it also shows the inability of the reporter to get the factual story. 

Just for fun, I’ve put some gobbledygook spin on the stories below. Don’t ask why names have been changed:

Cape Town - A man has been arrested in connection with a drive-by.

“Through an intelligence driven operation and our long-term strategic plan, the police allegedly arrested a 17-year-old suspect last night,” said Lieutenant Colonel Phineas Binga-Bonga.

“The man was arrested while walking to his home. He is being held in a stable at the back of the hospital,” was all Binga-Bonga would say without his lawyer.

Johannesburg - A 16-year-old man, angered by his girlfriend, was caught driving at 244km/h on the N1 near the Merely Grass toll plaza.

He told officers that he was angry at his girlfriend who put her foot down on the accelerator.

"The girlfriend was next to him in the black BMW M3," said Chief Spokesperson Superintendent Banana Wanaga. “Because the car is black, a docket for racism was not opened. We let him off with a stern bribe.”

Wanaga also said that six taxi drivers, of the Kwaai-Ngwanase Taxi Owners Association of South Africa (KNTOAOSA), were arrested for driving at more than 160km/h in a 60km/h zone.

“They were all driving the taxi at the same time. Luckily, they only had 43 passengers on board,” he said. “They will be prosecuted to the full extent of the long arms of their lawyers. They might even appear in cot.”

Durban - Police are searching for a gang of armed robbers who stormed into a supermarket on Saturday.

Police CEO Spokesperson, Brigadier General Justice Governor Gupta Naidoo, said no shots were fired and an undisclosed amount of airtime was taken.

“No shots were fired and an undisclosed amount of airtime was taken, and all and all,” he said, officially.

Pretoria - A 70-year-old man had the shock of his life in his home in Mamelodi, Gauteng police said on Monday.

Police believe five white suspects broke into the family's home early on Saturday morning.

They escaped with a bottle opener.

“No stone shall be left unturned,” said 64-year-old Constable Koos van der Merwe, “That bottle opener is bound to be somewhere.”

Police are looking for five white suspects who have been seen running around with an unopened bottle of wine. The 70-year-old man is still in shock.

“I’ve never had five whites in my house before,” he said.

As always, no arrests were made.

But enough of crime, how about this:

Johannesburg – “South Africa needs strong weemen leedas to voice thee drive for genda equality and mattas affecting weemen,” African National Congress Women’s League Leader Angie Motshekga said on Saturday (ANCWLAMSOS).

“It is impottant for thee sake of thee weemen of thee proveence and country and univars and thee galaxy who need a strong empowad reprasentateev, dreeven by unity in our diverseety, to champion thee cos of thee struggool for genda equality and weemen’s constipation, particularly affecting thee setting of a weemen’s voice to influence agendas to sustain thee strategic positioning of weemen’s tissues for economic transformation and development of thee pee pull.” Or something like that.

Johannesburg - A handful of domestic workers demonstrated outside the Department of Labour on Saturday calling for better working conditions, the SABC reported.

The group, which is affiliated to the South African Domestic Services and Allied Workers’ Union of Demands, Complaints, and Gripes (SADSAAWUODCAG), was demanding improved living conditions, sexual harassment, and rape of domestic workers.

Demonstrators were carrying placards which read: “Domestic wekkas are wekkas too, sir (DWAWTS).”

To me, the domestic workers make more sense than any of the others – even though they cannot spell “TWATS.”

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