‘Ladies and gentlemen of the press, Comrade Blade Nzimandze!’
‘Ehhhh, good evening, people who write in the newspapers and talk on TV. I am greatly saddened to do this, but it must be done!’ Looks over his glasses. ‘Why is it that only the SABC evah gives us fair coverage? All the other media, except for The New Age, like to give Madam Zille all the attention, but say bad things about our president! But that is going to change, I promise you.’ Nods his head, points a finger at the gathered media. ‘Enough is enough. We have been far too lenient, and you people won’t listen, so it’s time to take action.’
‘Comrade President Jacob Zuma, our wise and revered President, is sick and tired of all the disrespect which is constantly being put in the newspapers and everywhere. If this does not stop, we will close the Internet! Nobody must make fun of the President. This is now the law.’
Sternly looks over his glasses. ‘Number one: there will not be allowed to be any jokes about the President’s mathondo, what he does with it, if he hangs it out of his pants, or how big it is. No more. Also no more paintings of the President, unless he is arrayed in tribal splendour, or opening Parliament in his suit.’
‘Two: people saying the President was accused of rape, they are lying! He was not the President then. Anyway, he had a shower, and she had breakfast, so it cannot be a rape. But even more important, the Court found him not guilty!’
‘Three: no more saying the President is corrupt. The ANC is opposed to corruption, and has jailed many opposition MPs because of corruption. This means you can see we are serious about this matter. The opposition is corrupt, not the ANC. If the ANC was corrupt, ANC MPs would be in jail, but they aren’t. So it’s no good to say we are corrupt!’
‘The President is an honourable man who married Irwin Khoza’s daughter after he made her pregnant. He even gave Irwin Khoza two cows. It is illegal to make jokes about the President’s wives. It is also illegal to make jokes about how his family all became billionaires after he became President. That is not true. They were billionaires before he became President. They only became famous after he became President.’
‘It is illegal to say that the President said he wanted his day in court, and then tried everything to stay out of court. He was not the President then, so it is a lie. It is not true that he hit Helen Zille on the head with his mathondo: that is a lie, because he would not take out his mathondo in parliament.’
‘It is illegal to comment on, take photos or write about Nkhandla. This is the President’s private dwelling, that he built with his own money. We don’t have to prove to you that he paid for it: this is a democracy. That means we are in charge and you will vote for us. That is the meaning of democracy.’
‘If I can think of some more things you are not allowed to say, I will call another press conference. Nkhandla! Sorry, Amandla!’
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