The cheese looked and tasted like old roll-on that was scraped from someone’s armpit, it came in different sizes, shapes and varieties and sat on a saucer in front of me, put there by my host who waited patiently for my opinion for it was made, as is always the case, using his great-great mothers secret method passed down from generation to generation only to a select few until it got to him.
You can always tell when someone is sitting on their favourite chair; they fill the space, frequently stretching themselves out, they lean back and light a pipe, toy with their hand-watch, stare at the window, etc half a glass of whiskey on the table, next to it, a decanter. A decanter I once explained to a friend for no good reason at all, is what the rich (and some poor people) use to keep their liquor in, the pure crystal kind with round glass lids, often three decanters are used, placed on a large silver tray, with three different kinds of bottles of liquor being poured into each one, the owner knowing the difference only by their colour. The owner then treats himself to a shot before bedtime much like the Queen is well- known for doing (and what she credits for her good health), unlike most people who never rest until the bottle is completely finished, “I will never understand it” was the reply.
Now a person with a favourite chair in their study-room always makes sure that the chair on the other side is an old, wooden one that creaks at the slightest movement, shift your bum too much to either side and you’re flat on the floor, while theirs is most likely to be well-cushioned and upholstered with fine red leather.
Having achieved the desired effect, that is, to make you feel suitably inferior, they will say something like “do you know what?” then they’ll lean forward, look you unblinking square in the eyes as if they were about to reveal a long-kept secret told only to their grandfather on the field of battler back in 1945 by a young soldier as he lay dying in their arms…I did not disappoint “What?” I ask - for someone who has not read a single thing one has written whether on Facebook, blog or in private, they start to reveal that they know everything you’ve ever said or written and they’ve found you wanting and, by their good nature, felt it an injustice if they were not to impart at least a little bit of advice to you.
“It’s All about connections”
“Yes, it’s all about connections and you don’t even have to have connections to have connections”
Me: *puzzled look*
“When you were not satisfied with the food and portions at that fancy restaurant all you had to do is call the waiter, place a hand over his shoulder, slip a hundred rand note in the palm of his hand, call him your friend, ask him if he’d hop across the road for a burger or a chicken and fries and there you’d always have a connection“.
“I see, thanks”
“Now I’m not on speaking terms with so and so, but You are, so they won’t stock my cheese”……
I cut in “Aaah , I’m your ‘connection’ I see‘?…” You learn fast dammit” said he… “More than you’ll ever know” said I…. and added..“You missed out the first part, when you slip something into the palm of my hand”
“Ai! I taught you too well!” said he, as I got up, took a swig of whiskey, and walked towards the door….
Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.