I’ve always been sceptical of conspiracy theories. The: “We Never Went to the Moon” conspiracy, or conspiracies about “Groups that Secretly Control the World,” and “The Fly Killed Cock Robin,” has left me cold. Until now…
I’ve discovered that the corrupt ANC government has set a secret plan in motion to kill all the white, grey-haired old toppies (WGHOT) like me. This plot is so devious – so crafty, cunning, and underhand – that no one will recognize the danger until it is too late, and all the WGHOT, like the rhinos, are gone.
Now pay attention:
It is a well known fact that all the old toppies from the apartheid era normally have, to a smaller or larger degree, some sort of pulmonary hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (PHC) problem. (Don’t worry if the medical terminology is unfamiliar to you. These are just terms that doctors use to impress their patients – before charging them an arm and a leg to amputate an ingrown toenail.) But you get the idea.
The fact is this: WGHOT can die from PHC. It can make them breathe their last; it can make them pass away; or it can kill them – whatever comes first.
Now, and this has to be clearly understood: anger, *hysterical laughter, depression, rage – all of these strong emotions has a negative influence on people suffering from PHC.
A single outburst from an old toppie at a taxi driver; an incorrect electricity bill; or muddy water coming from the tap, can send a toppie’s PHC through the roof. This means his hyper tensional extracellular fibrosis will be predisposed to increase ventricular stiffness – causing a heart attack. (Again, don’t worry if the medical terminology is unfamiliar.)
And so, the poor WGHOT will pass way – with not a mark upon his wrinkled old frame. Not the faintest trace of poison in his constricted veins. Not the smallest mark upon his hairless head. Gone for good... passed on for the last time….
OK, dry the tears and let’s carry on.
Normally I have my PHC well under control. I manage to keep my anger down when driving over a pothole; I don’t swear when the electricity goes off; I try not to see the streets of Pretoria turning into a gigantic garbage dump.
But today, after reading an article on News24, I realised that the WGHOT Conspiracy is a reality. This is a slightly shortened version of the article:
Poles worth R3m 'missing' in Madibeng
Johannesburg - Two wooden poles which cost the North West Madibeng Municipality R3.05m have gone missing, it was reported on Sunday.
The poles were listed on the municipality's asset register, but Auditor General Terence Nombembe and his team could not find them when they audited the municipality last year, reported City Press.
The poles - the kind used to link power lines to each other - were supposedly erected in Oukasie, a township in Brits.
The asset register reportedly recorded the cost of an 11-metre pole as R1.2m, and that of a nine-metre pole as R1.85m
Now, I have no problem with the R3.05m that has gone missing – that’s just normal ANC Affirmative Action Bookkeeping and BEEkeeping – stealing from the poor to give to the rich on the gravy train.
But the 11-metre pole that costs R1.2m, and the shorter 9-metre pole that is cheaper, at R1.85m? Shorter is cheaper???
I’m *laughing hysterically!!! My PHC is killing me!!! The ANC Conspiracy strikes again!!! Help!!! Soylent green is people......AAARGH!!!
*hysterical laughter – will aggravate PHC; can lead to death, or worse