At a certain stage during my misspent youth, a sudden increase in testosterone levels caused my beard to sprout. Or so I was told. It also made me see the girl living next door in a whole new light – of which her father didn’t approve. (BTW, her name was not Alice.)
But that’s not important right now.
What is important is that I started my shaving career using a Wilkinson (PBUH) Sword double edged razor, a shaving brush, and shaving cream. You simply lathered up, scraped the stubble off, washed your face, tried to stop most of the hemorrhaging with a styptic pencil – and there you go: easy as getting away with corruption in South Africa. *No hay problema, no te molestes.
But lately, buying a razor is like buying a cell phone. Hundreds of useless apps and worthless features – when all you wanted to do is make a phone call. (“No, Sakkie, you can’t make a phone call with a razor – you’ll cut your bloody ears off.” Damn fool!)
I needed new blades for my razor, but like cheap Chinese motor cars, you are forced to replace the whole car if any part breaks down. They simply do not sell the blades that will fit in the razor that you bought three months ago. Every time you need new blades, you have to buy a new razor as well. Nice scam!
I finally settled on a razor made by Schick. Here’s is my impression of this product:
First, the full name: Schick XTREME 3 SUB ZERO!
It has Patented Improved Anti Razor Burn Technology, with Aloe and Vitamin E.
And you also get: 3 Flexible blades to Cool the Burn and Free Your Skin.
Plus: the Soothing Pre-Shave Oil Infused Glide Bar, and Vitamin Enriched Comfort Strip, minimizes Razor drag for a clean, close, cool shave.
“Are you pondering what I’m pondering, Pinky?”
“Yes, Brain, but does this mean that the third harmonic will come into resonance with the fundamental frequency? And what about hysteresis losses? Narf!”
But that’s not all: it has a Unique Ergonomic Handle and Wrap-around ***Rubber.
Lastly, but not leastly: a Convenient Storage Hanger for the Razor.
It also has some fine print on a piece of cardboard: SCHICK Xtreme SubZero Blade cartridge made in USA & assembled with a Razor made in China for Energizer Holdings, Inc. (The rest is written in Chinese SMS Mandarin language which only the Chinese can understand.)
OK. So how well does the Schick razor perform?
Well, first off, you have to get the razor and blades out of the Packaging. The Packaging is made from bulletproof Kevlar-type plastic, which cuts fairly effortlessly with an oxy acetylene torch. Or, if you have the time, you might even be able to cut your way in with a diamond tipped angle grinder.
Be that as it may, I guarantee that you will add some new swear words to your cussing-repertoire before you’ve removed the razor from its Kevlar prison. And I’m not talking about “kakka, pee-pee, and wee-wee.” I’m talking serious cursing – like we do every time Zuma, or one of his cronies, steals another million.
Once everything is out, you stick the little sucker that is attached to the Convenient Storage Hanger for the Razor, onto your bathroom mirror.
Next, you hang your Schick XTREME 3 SUB ZERO Razor, with its Unique Ergonomic Wrap-around Rubber Handle, and Flexible blades to Cool the Burn and Free Your Skin, on the Convenient Storage Hanger – taking note of the Soothing Pre-Shave Oil Infused Glide Bar, and Vitamin Enriched Comfort Strip.
Then stand back – and long for the good old days when men were men, when shaving was a life-threatening activity, and razors were cheap but dangerous instruments in the hands of the beginner.
Give me back my Sword!
*No hay problema, no te molestes – Spanish, meaning: no problem, no bother
**Donner – From Latin, tonitrua, meaning: thunder
***Rubber – No, Sakkie, it’s not a condom
PS I’ll upload a pic of the product, just so you’ll see what I’m talking about.
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