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Irukandji
 
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Consumer report: Moer Koffie

07 December 2013, 12:44

At my age, you tend wake up in the morning with one or another ache or pain somewhere in your dilapidated, worse for wear, old carcass.

It is often the dull ache in my left shoulder – a reminder of my skydiving days, when you don’t always land on your feet. Sometimes it’s the pain in my right hip; telling me that the Curse of the 1300 Kawasaki (which I wiped out against a drunken bridge, one dark rainy night), is still upon me.

Occasionally, if really I’m lucky, the pain is nothing more than a couple of cracked ribs – where the wife has jabbed me with her elbow during the night – apparently because I snore like a Texas chainsaw being massacred.

But, be that as it may, I’m not complaining. A wise man once gave me this advice: “Old people should always be thankful when they wake up in pain. Should they wake up with no pain, it is a clear indication that they’re dead.”

Makes a lot a sense, doesn’t it? No pain, no gain.

OK, so once I’m awake (and have gone on my knees and thanked and cursed the gods for my daily pain), I take a shower and go about the first business of the day: Making coffee for me and my trusty companion of forty-three years; the still-sleeping Elbow Jabber.

Now, to me, it is nothing short of sacrilegious blasphemy when people add boiling water to instant powder, and call it “coffee.” It borders on extreme irreverence for the Almighty Coffee Being (PBUH).

I brew coffee in the tried and trusted manner in which the cowboys of “Gunsmoke” used to do it. I buy the strongest, darkest, meanest, roasted, coffee beings I can lay my hands on.

(By the way, don’t ever buy or drink Kopi Luwak. It is nothing more than expensive civet excrement, dressed up as lamb. Tastes like sheet.)

I use one of those old fashioned Gunsmoke coffee kettles on the stove, to make my brew:

Use one heaped tablespoon per cup (180ml), plus two tablespoons for the pot. After the water starts to boil, let it simmer for at least 15 minutes. Pour the coffee into your cup (do not use a strainer), add three heaped spoonfuls of Illovo treacle sugar, stir, add lots of fresh cream. Drink in one go. Chew, and spit the dregs. Heaven!

Last Saturday I decided to pay a visit to the *Boeremark, at the Pioneer’s museum, in Silverton – just to see how the “good old boys” were doing.

At one of the coffee stalls, I was shocked to see that many of the old Boere toppies were topping up their early morning coffee with more than a wee dram of whisky. (First Watch, nogal!) At a quarter to six in the morning! Disgusting!

It’s not that I disapprove of these old oxygen thieves having a **regmaker so early in the day. But First Watch, of all things! Vile stuff at best. It sets a bad example for our youth who should be weaned on Johnny Walker Blue.

And then I found, amongst the coffees that were on sale, a brand called: MOER KOFFIE. It is sold in a foil-like, silvery ***kardoesie.

I bought a kardoesie and put the contents through their paces at home. Here is my abridged consumer report:

(ALL the writing on the kardoesie is in Afrikaans. I’ll try to translate this as best I can.)

Name of Product: MOER KOFFIE (I kid you not)

The meaning of the word “moer,” is not always fully understood. It actually comes from the Naydirlunch (Dutch) word: “moer,” meaning: “mother.” So, Moer Koffie, means: Mother Coffee.

(Moer can also mean “nut.” As in bolt and nut. Or, when you moer someone, you kick him in the nuts. Or a nutcase, like THE ONE living in Ermelo.)

So, when a Capie says to you: “Jou ma se moer!” (Your mother’s mother.) He is only saying: “Your grandmother!” No need to get upset.

(OK, he might also add some more expletives after: “Jou ma se moer,” but that’s not important right now.)

Moving right along to the rest of the Afrikaans words on the kardoesie:

Oorspronklike Mengelmoes, Moerse lekker. (Innovative concoction, Your Mother has loose morals.)

Gemaal, Donker, Sterk. (Multiplied, Sinister, Stalwart.)

Bean 2 Cup – (2 Beans per Cup.)

250g – (where g = the standard value of gravitational acceleration at sea level on Earth.)

Alle produkte is met ‘n geur gits gemerk om jou te help. – (Everything is marked to help you and your guide to smell better.)

Donker, sterk, lywig – (Murky, muscular, obese.)

Egalig, gebalanseerd, geurvol – (Tender, maintains equilibrium, discerning.)

Lig, gematig, subtiele geur – (Insubstantial, unbiased, devious taste.)

I brewed Moer Koffie, using my Gunsmoke recipe.

Conclusion:

This stuff is coffee in name only. Looks like mud, smells like mud, tastes like mud. Moerse bad mud, at that.

Recommendation:

Don’t brew Moer Koffie, you will be moerse disappointed.

*Boeremark – an Afrikaans Orthodox church, similar to the Seventh-day Adventist Church, has its day of observance on Saturdays

**regmaker – similar to Viagra, but in liquid form

***kardoesie – paper bag

PS   Check the Moer Koffie photo I've uploaded (If published)


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