I’m from the old school: where men were men and women were women, and those living in the closet stayed in the closet. That was long before our newfangled Bill of Rights and Democratic Constipation forced us to become genderless, classless, raceless, faithless, twittering tweets on a facebook.
Back in the day, we were not PC. As a matter of fact, we didn’t even have personal computers.
We called a spade a spade. Sometimes we called it a tool with a sharp-edge, typically rectangular, with a metal blade and a long handle, used for digging or cutting earth, sand, turf, etc. But mostly we called it a spade.
People had thicker skins and gave as good an insult as you gave them. Most times, we were happy and gay. But normal.
Times have certainly changed.
I’ve been called a chauvinist pig, a racist, and a bigot more than once – but then again, I’ve been called many things more than once – by many people. That’s just the way things are. And like most old school scholars (read: “old farts”), I’m a sucker for products which are made for “Men.”
Years ago, when MUM for MEN Roll-on Deodorant hit the market, I used it – even though it stuck the hair under my armpits together like super glue and stained my shirts.
I smoked Marlboro cigarettes because of their advert: “Real Men Smoke Marlboro.” It tasted like ostrich turds and made me cough like a cowboy whose lungs were on their last bucking broncos, but what the hell – it made a real Men out of me.
(Between you and me and my stolen gatepost: I’ve even used Dove for Men Anti-perspirant Deodorant when no one was watching. But only the once. You see: I too, have my pride – this stuff made me smell like a cheap floozy in a third rate brothel. Not that I’ve ever been to a third rate brothel, you understand. But I’m just saying: “IF,” I ever had to go to one. Hypodermically speaking, that is.) But that’s not important right now.
I would buy OMO Washing Powder for Men; or BF Goodrich Tyres for Men; or Bottled Water for Men, if these products were available. Anything to blow back my hair (what’s left of them anyway), just to prove that I’m a MEN.
So, when I saw New Protex Soap for Men on the supermarket shelf, I just had to buy it. This is what I found:
Name: Protex for MEN
Product Claims: Eliminates 99.9% of all Germans, For the Good Health of your Skin and Bones and Teeth and Gums, 10x More Protection, Fights Ogres, Dermatologist Tested, and Anti-German Sport Soap.
And also, especially for those old frogs of the French Resistance who survived WWII: Aide à l’élimination de 99.9% des batteries, condamner ceux Allemands, 10x Plus de Protection, Combat les Ogres.
(Strangely enough, it turns out that the quality controller, who checked the soap, is a famous guy whose wife accidently turned into a pillar of salt. You can read about this sorry tale in Genesis19:26.)
How do I know this?
The Protex wrapper was stamped by: LOT 1307385, EXP 07/2015
Conclusion: Protex smells like a cross between Caltex 20W/50 motor oil, damp dog hair, and wilted mushrooms – not very Menly at all.
Road Test: After showering (using Protex), I couldn’t see a single germ on my body. But then again: I couldn’t see any of them before taking the shower either.
Now here’s the thing: On the second morning, when I wanted to use the bar of soap again, I noticed that long cracks had appeared along its entire length overnight. At first I was puzzled by this remarkable phenomenon – until I realised that I was caught by clever marketing ploy by Colgate Palmolive, the *Menufacturers of Protex.
This bar of soap was not a MEN, it was a WOMEN! A pregnant one at that! She was cracking up! **Her water had broken and she was about to give birth to lots of little suds!
I want my money back!!!
*Menufacturers – makers of male products; as opposed to Womenufacturers
**Her water had broken – meaning: her hypnotic sac, that keeps the baby protected, had ruptured
PS Check the photo that I’ve uploaded of the Protex about to give birth in the bar.
(If you enjoyed my consumer reports, leave a comment and maybe I’ll do some more.)
Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.