Summer is nearly upon us – bringing with it flies, mozzies, cock and hen roaches, swimming pool maintenance, broken lawnmowers, sunburn, braais, beer, and hangovers. But mostly it brings insects, bugs, creepy crawlies, and goggas.
So what do we do? We reach for the can of DOOM and level the playing field.
This year, however, I decided to try another playing-field-levelling product.
(“No, Sakkie, it’s not called BEE, that’s a racist thing.” Bloody fool!)
It’s called: TARGET Mortein
for MEN Powergard. The reason? Well, last year I used DOOM Odourless, and it proved two things:
· Insects can’t smell.
· I can.
After spraying the “Odourless” stuff, the whole house stank for a week, the paint peeled off the walls, and our cat hasn’t been seen since – but the insects went blissfully about their daily and nightly business, as usual.
So, without further ado, here’s my latest consumer (or “conzhuma,” in the vernacular) report:
Name of Product: TARGET Mortein Powergard COCKROACH & ANT KILLER.
I quite like the name – a nice mix of the languages of my dearly departed (unfortunately they’re all dead now) forefathers – English, French, and German. Mort in French means: death, Ein in German means: one, and Target in English means: get tar, that is – fetch bitumen. So the name actually means: “The one who goes to fetch the tar will die.”
Ah-hah! Now I understand why we have so many potholes in this godforsaken country! No one wants to go and get the tar.
But that’s not important right now.
· Kills cockroaches FAST on direct hits, i.e. headshots and heart shots.
· Kills ants, fleas, bedbugs, cricketers, rugby players, spies, and clothed moths really fast on contract.
· Kills cockroaches and the free ranging eggs they carry.
Do not spray near a naked flame, lover, partner, or spouse – in fact, do not spray near ANY naked person or fire. Keep out of reach of children, uniformed persons, and animals. May cause irritation of the skin, eyes, teeth, bones, hair, mucous membranes and alimentary tracts. Do not spray on sacroiliac, test tickets, or cojones.
Do not spray on or near food, utensils, animals, water pipes, skirting boards, cupboards, carpets, curtains, furniture, or plants. Avoid skin contact and inhalation. Remove pets and cover aquaria. May stain plastic material and polished surfaces. If skin contact should occur, wash the container thoroughly with soap and water. Do not use in the presence of persons suffering from psychotic depression or tripolar disorder.
I am thoroughly, utterly, and immensely impressed by the explicit, precise, and uninhibited WARNINGS and PRECAUTIONS that the manufacturers have printed on the TARGET containers.
The colours of the aerosol cans (red, black, and yellow), blends in nicely with the colours of the berets and T-shirts worn by the EFF, whose leader, Julius, once said: “Whites must enjoy the same cockroaches as Africans.” Or something to that effect...
Now we come to the tragic bit: I decided to take the WARNINGS and PRECAUTIONS seriously. And this was when I suddenly realised that I didn’t have a location to do practical and performance tests on the product.
I mean: where would you find a place that has no naked flames, lovers, partners, spouses, children, uniformed persons, animal skins, eyes, teeth, bones, hair, mucous membranes and alimentary tracts, sacroiliacs, test tickets, cojones, food, utensils, animals, water pipes, skirting boards, cupboards, carpets, curtains, furniture, plants, or persons suffering from psychotic depression or tripolar disorders?
On the Moon, maybe...
So, this consumer report will just have to go down in the canals of history as one of those infernal mysteries, like: “Who killed Cock Robin,” and, “Can taking a shower really prevent a Gupta from landing in Waterkloof.”
And all and all.
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