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Tyronehster
 
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Curmudgeonly Curmudgeons

27 June 2013, 15:58

What a funny old bunch of curmudgeons we are

Here on jolly old News Twenty Four

Where everyone has an opinion, of course

With each of us taking the floor

Some of us lie with the straightest of faces

And all the while saying it’s true

While others can’t wait to jump out and accuse us

Of writing the greatest of poo

Oh the harmony here on this wonderful forum

Where everyone’s utterly free

To express an opinion, no matter how lucid

While the trolls get together in glee

Rubbing their hands like a ‘B’ movie villain

Awaiting their moment to pounce

‘Show me your sources, no ALL of your sources!’

They clamour, then prove to announce

That they, only they have the truth, which they guard

With the righteousness born of disdain

For opinions of anyone’s varying with theirs

Their scorning will surely remain

To be all that they have to put onto this forum

While we struggle bravely along

Like a line of grasshoppers with nary a brain cell

We dance to their wearisome song

So what draws us back like a moth to a candle

When our time could far better be spent

Just doing our work and ignoring this mob

Whose opinion is not worth a cent

So to finish this piece which is tiring me now

I will further get into their nose

By replacing poor poetry with something far worse

And resort to nonsensical prose.

Almost on a daily basis we hear how the church stifled progress and would have burned Galileo at the stake, but what very few people know is that the Pope, Pope Pius VIII, did not persecute Galileo; quite the reverse, in fact. Galileo, in order to prove gravity, dropped the Pope and a ripe melon from the leaning Tower of Pisa to see what would happen. They hit the ground at the same time, but the melon made a more satisfying squish as it hit the ground.

The Dominicans, or hounds of God, as they were known, wanted to Inquisit him, but he slapped them on their cowls with a stick, chasing them down the road, much to the uproarious delight of the local populace, which is where we get the term ‘slapstick’ when referring to a certain brand of comedy. The Dominicans, it is reported, did not find it funny. They were not American, as it had not yet been discovered, and did not find slapstick funny.

Joan of Arc was not, as is commonly believed, burned at the stake, but ordered a rare steak and when it was delivered to her table overdone, declared a crusade against all restaurants that overcooked their steaks. She eventually died when an irritated sous chef ran her through with a spit he’d picked up from a barbecue.

If you need any further lessons in science or history, please feel free to ask, and I will happily answer all your questions.

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