(Who cares about the lousy state of the nation, we’re all in it together! Here is some good news for Valentine’s Day.)
Fiends, Roman’s pizzas, countrymen, lend me your years! I bring you a Hark, and some good tidings! Your friend and mine, Eric de la Vega de Castro (PBUH), has not passed away, after all!
On the 13th of January, I published the following obituary: “It is with great sadness that I write this story. A man, nay, a Giant amongst Men, is no longer with us. Eric de la Vega de Castro has passed away during the night of the 10th of January, after a short illness.”
At the time of going to press, I was fully convinced that Eric had indeed gone to meet his Manufacturer.
The doctor, who declared Eric dead, was from Cuba. He told me, in Spanish: “Su accountitus Linkedinitus era severa y permanentemente, restringido.”
I understood this to mean: “His Linkedinitus accountitus was severely, and permanently, restricted.” And I thought that this was what had killed him, until he died from it.
Not so. I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
What the doctor, in fact, tried to say, was that Eric was just temporarily in a critical condition in the stable. He actually meant: “Eric era sólo temporalmente en un estado crítico en el establo.”
Do you see how easily one can get lost in translation? Cubans all look the same.
OK. Now that we’ve got that lot nicely cleared out of the way (Mac, I dare you to beat my spin), let me get on with the good news.
Last night, having some spare time on my hands for the first time in many weeks, I inadvertently opened Eric’s Gmail. (I inadvertently seem to be doing a lot of things as old age creeps up on me.)
HUGE ENORMOUS, was my surprise. Many companies were still offering Eric employment! Fairmount Resorts and Hotels, Absa, STANLIB, PepsiCo, Kellogg’s, Gumtree, etc, etc.
I smelled a rat!
Eric is alive somewhere on this Earth! I am sure of it. And I am going to find him – come high hell or water.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m nowhere as good as that world famous Pea Eye from Crashamanka, Cro Magnon. But I can find my way around the simple little mysteries of life. Why, just the other day, I almost found out who killed Cock Robin!
But that’s not important right now.
I quickly typed “Eric de la Vega de Castro” in the Google Search area, and clicked on the little magnifying
icon emblem symbol glass thingy.
My Google search confirmed what I have suspected for many years: Reporters and journalists are the laziest buggers on the face of the Earth. They don’t go out of their offices anymore to report on what is happening in the “real” world. They just copy and paste stories from other news sources on the Internet.
And then, like News24, they simply add a Shutterstock, or file photo, to the story.
Now let me prove my point:
My Google search showed that Eric’s (PBUH) death was reported in the following countries and websites:
News Today Since 1942
Portugal Money Laundering News
What the Trend
rediff REAL TIME NEWS
Right, now let’s chase to the cut: How do I know that Eric (PBUH) is still alive?
As Cro Magnon Holmes would say: “Simple deduction, my wear Datsun. If Eric was indeed dead, why would all those companies still be sending Gmail to him – with “real job” offers? Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.”
“Therefore it is quite clear that it was Colonel Mustard, in the Conservatory, with the Wench – the very same wench that Eric had secretly been seeing for the past three months. I speculate and conjecturise that Eric has eloped with this girl!”
So now you know: Eric is out there somewhere and I WILL track him down. Just you wait and see!
Now for the hard part – I have to get Sakkie sober and break the news to him...
PS Please read the following, if this story makes no sense to you (Google it!):
I’m not LinkedIn with Louie
De Castro passes away