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Dead Sea Scrolls explained

25 July 2014, 14:56

We have become so entangled with the inscrutabilities surrounding Nkandla, e-tolls, the arms deal, and how Julius manages to keep his red overalls sparkling clean, that we’ve forgotten about a much more interesting mystery: The Dead Sea Scrolls (DSS).

So gather ‘round people wherever you roam, and admit that the waters around you have grown pay attention in class – we’re going to debunk some closely guarded secrets here today.

Firstly, some background on the DSS.

The Dead Sea Scrolls consists of a collection of texts, or Sea Message Scrolls (SMS’s), as they were also known, found inside caves near the northwest shore of the Dead Sea. Of course, in those days, it wasn’t called the “Dead Sea.” Locals simply referred to it as the “Terminally Ill Sea” – critical, but in a stable condition.

These manuscripts, written by Essenes, Priests, Zadokites, and Jews, have been dated between 408 BC and 318 AD. The texts were written in five ancient languages: Greek, Aramaic, Hebrew, Shebrew, and Gaybrew.

Bronze coins found on the site form a series; beginning with Yohanan Hyrcanus (135-104 BC) to Johan Anthoniszoon van Riebeeck (1619-1677 AD). On a wall of one of the caves, Egyptologists discovered an ancient hieroglyph which reads: Killroy was here – 2348 BC – just after a season of fairly mild rains.

(But that’s not important right now, Sakkie.)

What is important is the reason why the DSS’s were written in the first place, and what stories they contained.

Keep in mind that this was before the Internet (BTI). People living in those days would write on all types of different materials – papyrus, sheets of bronze, dried sheets of camel sheet, animal hides, vellum (the dried skin of slain enemies), toilet paper, and even on the insides of their hands – whatever was handy at the time of writing a new SMS.

Some of the writers of these scrolls would write politically correct articles. Writers, the likes of Godless Heathen, Keita, and Jeremy Thorpe, were extremely popular. While others, like the unforgettable ZION, The Last Contrarian, and Tyronehster, were ridiculed for writing what they believed in.

In those days, they had the equivalent of News24, it was called *NorthEastWestSouth86400-BTI. (This has only lately been abbreviated to NEWS24.)

Now we come to something really interesting. In the heyday of NorthEastWestSouth86400-BTI, the readers could only comment on articles by writing their comments down on whatever they had handy, i.e. papyrus, sheets of bronze, dried sheets of camel sheet, animal hides, vellum, toilet paper, and even on the insides of their hands.

They would then send their comments (by runners with forked sticks) to the caves of the editor of NorthEastWestSouth86400-BTI, to be glued to the back of the original article.

The editor would read the articles and comments, and if he found it to be suitable for consumption by the general public, he would paste it on the walls outside of the caves where NorthEastWestSouth86400-BTI had their offices.

But as always, there were the pissies and sissies who had very thin skins. If they read an article, or comment, which they didn’t like, they would scream: “Racist!” or, “Bigot!” at the top of their voices.

The editor would have no choice – he would take down the offending article or comment, stick it into a clay jar, and store the jar deep in one of the caves – never to be seen again.

(Nowadays this process is much simpler: A pissy or sissy would simply click on the “Report comment” button and before you can say: “EFF you!” one of three things will happen: The comment would be deleted; the whole article would disappear; or the writer and his/her article would be banned – into the fabled Tar Pits of Crashamanka.)

But back to the Scrolls:

Inside one of the clay pots found in the caves, researchers came upon an article written by one of the contributors to NorthEastWestSouth86400-BTI. The writer called his story: “Why so Loud?”

In it, he questioned why the local Nubians always talked so loudly in public – especially in the caves where sick and dying people were trying to be sick and die in peace.

After hundreds of Essenes, Priests, Zadokites, and Jews, have read the article and made various comments, a pissy or sissy complained; the article was pulled down from the wall outside the cave; thrashed into a clay jar; and moved deep into the back of one of the caves. Never to be seen or heard from again.

Until now!

I have in my possession a copy of the original “Why so Loud?” article.

But here is the bad news: I cannot understand the Greek, Aramaic, Hebrew, Shebrew, or Gaybrew, that it is written in. So maybe we’ll NEVER know the answer to this question…

*NorthEastWestSouth86400: 86400 seconds = 24 hours, thus abbreviated News24

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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