Hey there, CSA,
We here at the BCCI are jolly pleased to be coming to South Africa to play some cricket against your lads later this year. We knew you would eventually realise that we have all the money in world cricket, and what we say, goes. We would like to point out though, that the ICC is not actually a wholly owned subsidiary of the BCCI.
We're awfully sorry we couldn't stick to the agreed FTP plan of three tests, more ODIs and T20s, but we really need to be elsewhere, making even more money, entrenching our Mafia-like grip on the world game.
We're darn grateful that you have placed Mr Lorgat on special leave (nudge-nudge, wink-wink), since he is an honourable man, in total contrast to our dodgy selves.
We're also pleased that you have agreed to host the matches at venues where we have won in the past. And cancelled the Cape Town test, where we know we wouldn't stand a chance.
Some small additional arrangements that we would like to bring to your attention, before we arrive:
- The following batsmen are deemed to be too good: G. Smith, J. Kallis, AB. de Villiers, H. Amla, JP. Duminy. Please ensure that they are dropped from the team for whatever comfortable reason you can come up with. In their place, we would like to see some unknown players from your domestic franchises.
- Likewise, these fellows Steyn, Morkel, Parnell, Philander, Tsotsobe. Far too dangerous, their presence would be a safety risk to our batsmen. Please see that they become injured or something in the meantime. Immie Tahir is welcome to play, as long as he promises to bowl rubbish.
- We know that you South Africans prefer fast, bouncy pitches. Kindly arrange that groundsmen are advised to prepare what we like to call 'dustbowls'. If you do not comply, we will send our own curators before the next tour.
- We know he's crap and dull and a bit thick, but we hear that Sachin likes his voice, so please ensure that Ravi Shastri features prominently in the commentary team. Yes, we know it's your country and your TV facilities, but it would be a nice touch to have ol' Ravs presenting the awards every match, don't you think?
- If it looks like we are doing poorly, please arrange for some rainy weather to allow India to salvage a draw. It wouldn't be at all acceptable for the world champions to be beaten.
- Of course we will not be using the Umpire DRS system, because we're rubbish at it. Don't even ask.
There we have it. Nothing too serious, right? I'm sure you'll see the wisdom of being totally subservient to us, and in return, we shall bestow great wealth upon you.
See ya later!
Srinivasan, for the Board of Control for Cricket in India
Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.