Today, in Saskatchewan Province, Canada, Big Foot was spotted. The sighting was confirmed by a team from the University of British Columbia, headed by Professor Ben Dalziel. After numerous reports and months of searching, Big Foot was finally found.
‘This is without a doubt the biggest foot I have ever seen,’ said Professor Dalziel, pointing to a giant-sized foot. ‘If you just measure the toes, you would see that it would require a size 152 boot to fit that foot.’
When asked what had led them to this spot, he replied that the stench emitted by this unwashed foot had led people living in the area to believe there was a Gorgonzola factory operating illegally nearby. Police had investigated and then contacted the Professor and alerted him to the location of Big Foot.
Another great lie is that the photo of the Loch Ness monster is a fake. The man who took the photo was a doctor. Would a doctor lie? Preposterous!
There are many lies which bear repeating, so I’m going to tell them now, then Derek can say, ‘See, I told you so: Tyrone always lies.’
Galileo was not imprisoned by order of Pope Urban VIII. The Pope was in fact imprisoned by order of Galileo, who then took him to the Leaning Tower of Pisa and dropped him from the top, to see if he would hit the ground at the same time as an overripe melon dropped at the same time.
The melon did, in fact, hit the ground at the same time, and made more of a mess. Gravity was thus invented.
But Galileo’s name was besmirched by this act and lies were spread about him, until the church decided to exact its revenge by saying that they had in fact imprisoned him, and not he the Pope, in order to save face. Thus is history twisted by those in authority.
It is also false to say of Einstein that he said, ‘God does not play dice with the universe.’ He was, in fact, discussing the Bible with one of his acolytes and said, pointing to the Apocrypha, ‘God does not play nice in this verse.’
See how easily people’s words are twisted and used against them? It is almost as if people deliberately distort the truth, but that could not possibly be the case.
It is my objective to expose these pernicious lies, and set forth the word of truth, that it may parade around naked, as Lady Godiva was supposed to have done, but which is another falsehood.
She was a singer in the local church choir, which is where she got her name God Diva, which people then shortened to Godiva, as people are wont to do. This is a fact and is indisputable, because I read it somewhere.
Anyway, she was out riding one day, on a horse, you see, when someone said, ‘Where are Lady Godiva’s clothes?’, because she was wearing a riding habit, as opposed to her normal singing habit. The habit didn’t sing; she sang while wearing the habit. I just said that so that you know it wasn’t the clothing that was singing. People get very confused sometimes.
And from that, wicked people down the ages have extrapolated that she wore no clothes, as opposed to wearing different clothes.
King Arthur is another story that has been distorted down the centuries. His relationship with Merlin is well-known, but what is not so well-known was that, before he entertained the idea of being King, he was Merlin’s apprentice, just like Mickey Mouse in the Walt Disney movie, and took many of the herbs Merlin took. One of the herbs is well-known in this country due to the calls for it to be legalised.
Mickey Mouse did not take any of those herbs, by the way, because he was a fictional character.
But when the legend says Arthur pulled the sword from the stone, it is false. He pulled a sword when stoned, and accidentally cut off Uther Pendragon’s head, thereby vacating the throne and declaring himself King.
And of course, we could not finish off so riveting an article without bringing in our own beloved Nelson Mandela. In this country he is regarded almost as a saint, and it’s not that hard to see why. Twenty-seven years in jail, and he comes out of jail to become the President of South Africa.
Just goes to show; crime pays!
The last bit is not my own lie, by the way: if you want to blame anyone, blame Ricky Gervais; he said it.