With medical aid rates set to increase; and the sorry state of our hospitals and Health Care, isn’t it time to explore other options?
Most people will never be able to afford the cost of the medical care that kept Mandela in a critical but stable condition in hospital for months at a time. Hell, most people cannot even afford to go to the chemist shop!
Black people have the advantage of going to their traditional healers. Yours truly, on the one hand, being white and uneasy when it comes to the tossing of bones, and the curse of the ancestors, have always managed to steer clear of sangomas and inyangas, on the other hand.
I have no faith in white sangomas. It’s like seeing white people toi-toiing on stage. Bloody amateurs. Like madam Zille did last year – with takkies – nogal! Even EFFing Commander-in-Chief, Malema, said she looked like a monkey.
He has called her ugly, a racist, colonialist and imperialist, while she has called him an “inkwenkwe," which means an uncircumcised boy.
But Malema’s uncircumnavigated proliferation mechanism isn’t important right now.
What is important is that I came across some of the home remedies used by my white forefathers. Surely, these remedies must have been successful – just look at the vast number of colonialists that survived in Africa before we had spin doctors and medical aid.
I’ll share these remedies with you. Sensitive readers are warned: some cures might be harmful to your health. (My remarks in Italics.):
Carbuncles: Put a small bottle in a pan and boil it for a few minutes. With a pot-holder or tongs, pick it up and dump the water out. Then place the neck of the bottle over the carbuncle. The suction pops it! (This remedy was apparently used to rid the Hunchback of Notre-Dame of the carbuncle of his back.)
Rheumatism: Have a cat sit on your knees whenever you have rheumatic pain. Mix turpentine with vegetable oil, an egg, or animal fat, and rub on the cat’s skin. Put two horse chestnuts in your pants pockets. Take one large thimble of gunpowder; mix in a spoonful of milk. Drink that and a good half-pint of milk separately. Then go to bed with a lot of warm blankets and sweat a lot. (Stay away from open fires and don’t forget to put the cat out.)
Bronchitis: Wear the sock you wore all week around your neck at night to bed, with the foot part near the throat.
Headache: Put crushed raw garlic on your forehead. Then, over the garlic, securely wrap a cloth soaked in rubbing alcohol around your head. Pick up a knife and make a cross in front of you with it. Then throw the knife on the floor! Apply very hot water to the back of the neck with a folded towel while at the same time putting your feet in cold water.
Sinus Problems: Put garlic and a little chicken fat in a silk stocking. Then wrap the stocking around your neck.
Hangover Cure: When you wake up in the morning, take a quarter of a lemon and rub the juicy side on each armpit. Slowly eat a small grapefruit. A Siberian recommendation: Have the inebriated person lay on his back. Place the palms of your hands on his ears. Then, rub both ears briskly and strongly in a circular motion. Within minutes he should come around. (Be ready to duck when he takes a swing at you!)
Hiccups: Smoke chicken feathers while holding a penny between any two toes of one foot. Transfer the penny to any two toes of the other foot, being careful not to touch the floor. (Unlike dagga, it is not illegal to smoke chicken feathers. At the current rate of exchange, you’ll have to hold a R200 note between your toes.)
Sore Throat: Take a piece of bacon fat (raw) and tie a length of strong cotton around it. Hold the cotton while you swallow the bacon fat. Then pull up the bacon fat using the cotton thread. Then swallow again. Do this half a dozen times. Then take a black cashmere stocking that has been worn for a week, sprinkle the sole with eucalyptus and place that part against the throat. Wrap the rest of the stocking around the neck and pin securely. Go to bed. You will wake up with no sore throat. (If you wake up at all!)
This was when I realized that going to a sangoma or inyanga might not be such a bad idea after all!
Pity I am such a bad dancer – I would have liked to toi-toi with all the strikers, and rioters, and upheavalers, and all, and all…
PS Be aware that your spouse will try to throttle you with the socks and things that you have wrapped around your neck
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