MyNews24 is a user-generated section of The stories here come from users.

Comments: 25
Article views: 702
Latest Badges:

View all Irukandji's badges.

Do you follow my Twitter?

06 January 2014, 11:53

In Nayderlunch, they have a saying: Met de grijze haren komt de wijsheid, which, roughly translated, means: With the grey hair comes the wisdom.

In my case, unfortunately, it would seem as if my grey hair came alone – the wisdom got lost in translation. The older I get, the more I find that I haven’t got the faintest *inkling of what makes modern society **tick.

I get the distinct impression that most people are without any depth or substance; have very few original thoughts and ideas; are virtually illiterate; have an extremely short span of attention; lack insights into most matters – but have opinions and views on every subject under the sun.

And that’s when they use Twitter…

When the world’s newspapers – as well as the electronic media – carry the tweets of some tramp who has twittered on the subject of her twerking derrière, my grey hair sorely yearn for the wisdom that was supposed to accompany them into old age.

There was the case of dim-witted Justine Sacco (of whom I have never even heard). She was sacked and caused a Twitter revolt after posting: “Going to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m White!” 

In South Africa, we have no problem when some idiot sings: “Shoot the farmer, kill the Boer.” Or, “garlic, onion, and beetroot, will cure AIDS.” Maybe that is what Sacco should have posted!

But, be that as it may, when some nondescript, Talk Radio “personality,” tells listeners to: “Follow me on twitter,” my mind (what’s left of it anyway), boggles in a rather painful manner.

I fail to understand why anyone, in his/her right mind, would want to follow this bumbling ***poepkop anywhere! I wouldn’t even follow him out of a burning airplane, which was plummeting out of control on its way to the ground, if my life depended upon it.

And the Twitter language is something which I fail to understand – a strange, twisted tangle of craptacular words.

Those who post tweets on Twitter are called Tweeps. I prefer to segregate them by gender, calling them: Twats and Twattresses (T&T’s). I have heard horrendous tales of guys mistaking the gender of a potential skelmpie, until that crucial moment, when all was revealed in the dark. I’m strictly a heterosexual old fart; terrified of inadvertently attempting to have extramarital twit with a Twat just because I was too lazy to ascertain the gender beforehand.

(Not that the wife would ever approve of this sort of thing, you understand! But I’m just saying… I’ve always been a warm-blooded Twattress’ man.)

T&T’s don’t have names: they’ve got “Handles.” Each Twitter Handle has a unique url. And this is where it starts to get very confusing:

T&T’s are not allowed to have Handles measuring more than 15 characters on the Tweet-scale. According to a study that was published on the website, the average Twat Handle is 14.7cm long when fully erect – just short of the 15 character limit.

Twattresses, for obvious reasons, have no difficulty in staying well within the 15 character limit.

Both Twats and Twattresses apparently have Tweet Buttons. (It is considered to be exceedingly bad form to press someone’s Tweet Button without permission, or in the company of strangers.)

Tweeps of both sexes can Retweet their twaddle. Retweeting is very popular with Twats and Twattresses, mainly because they simply regurgitate the twaddle Tweeted by their fellow Twats and Twattresses on Twitter.

T&T’s are not allowed to Tweet twaddle of more than 140 characters (including spaces) at a time. This is because the average T&T have a very short span of attention; 140 characters represent the outer limit of that span.

Until they reach the age of puberty, the tweet little children are called “Twitterati”. At that stage – much like a chicken sexer – a Tweet sexer is called in to scrutinize the Twitterati’s url’s. They are then classified as Twats, Twattresses, Transvestwats, or Hermaphrotwits. (Note: There is no such word as “Hermaphrotwit” in Pedi.)

Some of these juvenile Twats then go to initiation school where they are circumnavigated by traditional healers. Many of them become infected, and some even die from this barbaric ritual – just like some young boys still do in Mpumalanga, to this very day.

Twats and Twattresses have no social lives. They live in a virtual space called the Twitosphere; a social networking vacuum for those who have deregistered from the real world. Thirty years ago they would have subscribed to “Hoekie vir Eensames” in Die Huisgenoot. That was before the magazine became a Blog Spot for the likes of Joost and Steve.

Something that you might find interesting is the fact that T&T’s smoke potent sheet called “hashtag.” This comes from combining “hashish,” i.e. dagga, and “tagliatelle,” which is pasta cut in narrow ribbons. Smoking hashtag instantly turns you into a “Follower,” much like the zombies in the movie: “Zombieland.”

How do I know this? I’ll tell you:

In November 2013, the following three individuals had the most zombies following them (numbers in parentheses):

Katy Perry (46, 779, 248)

Justin Bieber (46, 658, 536)

Lady Gaga (40, 434, 804)

Now what does that tell you about the mentality of the Followers?

I rest my case.

*inkling – a young ink; one who is not yet dry behind the ears

**tick – one of the two sounds made by a clock – the other being “tock”

***poepkop – person whose head is filled with flatulent gas and nothing else

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Andy Young
At stake is our freedom to choose

I am following the hearing against Tim Noakes with great interest and I suppose Twitter is not the best place to try and pass on information to others.  Read more...

0 comments 151 views
Submitted by
Obakeng Matshoge
Motions of life


0 comments 29 views
Submitted by
Sifiso Ganandana
The obsolesce of apartheid.

With previous and current societal events in our country I'd assume that this topic might sound very sensitive and hostile, but I shall believe that we need to move forward as a nation. Read more...

0 comments 253 views
Submitted by
No.You're a handbag
Not All Muslims Are Terrorists

In the wake of several attacks around the world claimed by ISIS, Boko Haram and a variety of Al Qaeda affiliates, there's been a backlash against Muslims, and it's not fair.  Read more...

0 comments 1397 views
Submitted by
Bobby Shabangu
The Plight of Poverty in Zimbabwe

I'm looking at this photo that's trending on social media, of two Zimbabwean women who work at a butchery, and have been caught with stolen meat hidden on their bodies... Read more...

0 comments 565 views
Submitted by
Trudy Mhluli
Forgetting your roots Commissione...

Members of the Department of Correctional Services have for years been burdened with the fact that it’s National Commissioner that was serving the department lacked experienced and understanding of the circumstances under which its members are supposed to be performing at optimum levels with loyalty and dedication being appointed from outside of its own ranks. Read more...

0 comments 134 views


E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

Interactive Advertising Bureau
© 2015 All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.


Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.

Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire network.


Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.

Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.