PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 23
Article views: 1518
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Dogs are dangerous gods

29 July 2012, 14:55

These pages have long been the battleground for atheists, Muslims, and Christians. What strikes me is that members of the largest religion in the world have kept out of the war. I’m talking about those who practise *Zoolatry; specifically that strange cult: the Dog Worshippers.

Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats; the people in Borneo treat the hawk as a god; Mongolians revere the wolf; Zimbabweans worship Bob boon.

Hindus too, have some strange gods. (Hot curry will do that to you.) They seem to pray to all sorts of pesky things; rats, monkeys, snakes, Rama Margarine, and all and all.

**Australians are Sheep Worshippers – the men only marry because sheep can’t cook.

Here in our very own Zumania, it is not uncommon for some of the pee pull to worship the neighbour’s goat when no one is watching. (But this, I suspect, is more of an African tradition than a religion.)

There are thousands of people who worship dogs. My neighbour is one of these – a serious Dog Worshipper. He devotes most of his spare time idolizing his two little mongrels. Number One resembles an overgrown rat – with a serious genetic defect; whilst Number Two is obviously a purebred cross between a porcupine and a bad case of the flu.

Number One’s bark, which only stops while the little bugger is being fed, sounds like a chainsaw with its genitals being crushed in a vice. The other little monster just pees all over the place and makes slobbering, snotty sounds whenever it sees the worshipper (my neighbour) approaching with food.

Number One and Two reward my neighbour by leaving ***sponge thorns all over his lawn. Like the manna from Heaven in the Old Testament – he devoutly collects the sponge thorns every morning.

I, too, once had a dog and would no doubt have turned into a Dog worshipper but for karma.

Years ago, we moved to a plot outside the town of Potchefstroom; as it was known in the good old days. Nowadays it is probably called Phineas Philemon Mahlangu Bonga-Bonga Township, or some equally inspiring democratic name of a struggle hero.

In Potch, someone told me that the local ****Dominee had a large dog and that he was looking for someone to give it a good home. I collected the dog, was told that his name was Petrus (after the biblical Peter), thanked the Dominee, and returned with the dog to what was known as my “good home.”

Petrus was a large dog. He had short red hair with long flaps for ears – and large orange eyes – with a penis similar to that of the main weapon on an army battle tank. I’m talking 105mm cannon here, you chaps! A Weapon of Mass Destruction.

I decided to give the devil his due and changed his name to Peester, from an Old Dutch word, meaning: “dog armed with a 105mm cannon.” Peester didn’t seem to mind.

Now we come to the tragic bit. This poor canine (from the Dutch church) had been living a life of celibacy – something the Dominee neglected to mention. Suddenly, Peester turned into an unleashed Dog of Whore. Morning, noon, and night, he was at it. If it moved around my house or yard, Peester pumped it.

Once, Peester nearly humped the neighbour’s Number Two dog to death when it ventured into my garden to pee on the plants. Peester didn’t seem to mind Number Two’s slobbering, snotty sounds! Bloody embarrassing, I can tell you.

In the end I could no longer stand the competition and decided to get rid of old Peester; the Fastest Gun in the North West. I gave him to a local farmer who apparently used Peester’s unique mating ability, to breed sheep dogs.

Now you know why I’m not a dog worshipper – they’re bloody dangerous gods. Don’t say you haven’t been warned!

*Zoolatry – Animal worship

**Australia; where men are men and sheep are nervous

***sponge thorns feel soft and spongy when you step on them, but, after a couple of steps, you spontaneously start limping – as if you have stepped on a thorn. Also known as “doggie poo,” from the ancient Chinese, meaning: “food has walked here.”

****Dominee – “iemand die voorgaat bij een godsdienstoefening van protestantse gezindte.”

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
23 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Journalists in the firing line

Western media has abandoned the integrity that journalists once stood for. Western media is no longer based on truthful , accurate, honest and fair reporting.  Read more...

12 comments 376 views
Submitted by
Lisa MacDonald
Why women cheat

Males and females are wired differently. After all, didn’t we learn 20 plus years ago that men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Read more...

37 comments 6499 views
Let's talk about xenophobia

As a concern SA citizen, one day I sat down and thought of how we treating foreigners in our country. Read more...

16 comments 364 views
Submitted by
Arthur Harding
Crime is not going away

I hate to break it to you but no matter how many times we agree on the matter it’s not going to change a damn thing. Read more...

19 comments 436 views
Submitted by
Sarah Firmin
I want a pet hippopotamus

Just the idea of having a pet hippo fills me with emotions from my distant home. Read more...

14 comments 405 views
Submitted by
Warren Holman
Open letter to Mr Zuma Part two

Mr President, I have not received and answer regarding the first part of my letter..... maybe you don't read News 24, or your data bundle on your 3G card is used up. Read more...

6 comments 1134 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Magical Massinga

Spend 5 nights at the gorgeous Massinga Beach Lodge in Mozambique and only pay for 4 from R13 220 per person sharing. Includes return flights, accommodation, transfers and romantic turndown. Book now!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

2 TV Series for R250

Get 2 TV Series box sets for R250 and save up to R148! Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Pre-order the Xbox One

Get this all-in-one entertainment system with live TV, movies, social networking and gaming. Pre-order now!

Up to 50% off hair care products!

Save up to 50% on professional hair care products at kalahari.com. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

30% off academic books

Score a mind blowing 30% off academic books! Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Mind blowing deals on electronics!

Save up to 35% on electronics. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.