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Totally Disillusioned
 
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Energy crisis myth debunked...

12 October 2012, 09:55

Having read some of the circular reasoning that some people use when posting on these forums as well as the discussion the other day about the debating tactics/styles employed by the various Christian and Atheist parties, made me think back to something I have heard long ago. This is in line with the Global Warming debate and the effect that deforestation has on the climate.

Deforestation may cause not only global warming, but also earthquakes, tidal waves, disintegration of the Arctic Ice, disintegration of the Antarctic Icepack edges, and even the total destruction of our planet. However, this might suit the Nacys et al of this world, as a bit of imagination places this phenomenon slap bang in a certain piece of literature, called [the] Revelation. I however can debunk that theory, and I can debunk it now.

The Hypothesis, is that just as a figure-skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the Earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.

This cannot be true because the increase in spin speed and the resultant movement of the ice/water as a result of drag and inertia, would melt the ice thus increasing the sea level. As there is more sea than forests, the two will cancel each other out, thus the earth would maintain its angular momentum. Hence no total destruction of the earth. The tectonic plates might bump a bit against each other, causing tsunamis and earthquakes, but no global destruction!

Unfortunately this would lead to more deforestation and with oil getting scarcer and the chance that the Government will actually get going with fracking being absolutely zero, we will totally run out of fuel to generate electricity.

The obvious answer is Perpetual Motion. With just the Transnet energy requirements off the grid, it will give our glorious scientists (those not involved with SKA), respite to come up with solutions for other industries. (Unfortunately SAA will always run at a loss).

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Placing a carpet on the floor enhance the effect exponentially. (Especially if new with a decent shag, erm....) Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped/glued to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of high-speed rail systems, replacing the tracks with carpet and the current outdated locomotives with any suitable propulsion devices. (Great tender opportunities!)

Now, it is the butter that causes falling buttered toast it to land buttered side down. It doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Tucs or even sundried Pap. (It has been determined that the temperature of the toast has no influence at all, although it was noted that cats object if the toast is too warm).

So to save money just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter; there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet than cats or butter.

Research has led me to discover that the probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula, (which must be true as I got it from the Internet):

p = s * T(t)/Tc

where p is the probability of carpet impact

s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance (i.e. an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet). Chicken Tikka Masala pizza, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of distilled water is zero. We all eat pizza and this should thus be common knowledge.

Tc and T(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping (i.e. the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and the topping, as even chicken tikka masala pizza topping won't cause a permanent and/or obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour). Lots of houses have those carpets, and I know some owners.

So it is obvious for those in the know that can still follow, that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala topping (CTMt) and a white carpet (WC). (Bit of discrimination here, but I could not get any white topping for use on a black carpet). Anyway, this combination CTMt on WC, gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air.

This is preferable to using buttered toast, as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible train crash (TTC), resulting in nauseating images of members of political parties (PPs), other interested parties (OIPs), religious groups (RGs), publicly opinionated experts (POE)s, and other dignitaries (ODs), visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power or saying that they will stay in power until the world ends. (Oops, thought I debunked that theory up top?) Let’s not go into details here though. There will be a commission of enquiry (QoE) and obviously more tenders and more investment in cat-toast glue research (C-TGR).

So the only questions remaining are:

·         Suppose the train is travelling through the quiet Karoo, (we will all now tiptoe to give the telescopes some listening-for-alien-life opportunity), and a cat screeches, but no-one hears it. Did the cat really screech?

·         Could the cats be replaced by brooms or witches?

·         Can cats evolve to be born with chicken tikka masala fur?

·         Is earth really older than 6000 years?

Anyway, gotta run. The neighbour’s daughter just skipped past in something called a tutu, en route to practice for the Grade 2 Swan Lake concert. Must warn her mother about her dressing her funny. She might become a lesbian........

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