Can anyone explain how Eskom expects to get out of the brown stuff? Will we ever again have a reliable supplier of electricity?
You have a business; let’s say it’s a butcher shop. What is your main objective? To make money, right? You market your product widely and cleverly in order to sell as much meat as possible. And here in South Africa, just to be sure, you also get a sangoma to put a curse on those damn vegetarians who don’t eat meat.
Now suppose you have a bakery. Again, your main pursuit would be to sell as much bread, cakes, and confectionery to as many people as possible. Or maybe you are in the business of making candles – you would want everyone to have romantic, candlelit dinners.
That takes care of the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick-maker. What do they have in common? You may well ask. Well, apart from the fact that these three guys were probably batting for the other team (remember, they were frolicking ala *rub-a-dub-dub, in a tub?). But, be that as it may – they were also running prosperous businesses – selling their products to as many people as possible – getting rich, and probably rewarding their clients with special discounts for buying in bulk.
They managed their companies along sound business principles – predicting sales, calculating return on investment, maintaining their equipment, employing skilled people, expanding their premises to cope with demand – all the good stuff.
Although no one knows what ultimately happened to these three **mofketeers, chances are that they moved to the town of Darling – linking up with Pieter-Dirk Uys – making it a four ball (or eight, depending on the game).
But enough of these nursery rhyme characters (except for Evita, of course).
Where in the world have you ever heard of a business that encourages its customers to use as little of its product as possible? A business that actually ***penalises its clients when they use too much of its product; a company that increases the price of its product, without adding value or worth.
Yes, you’ve guessed it: Eskom, our own home-grown candlestick-maker. (OK, they don’t actually make candles, but they force us to use them.)
Famous Eskom communiqués:
“Switch off your geyser and Jacuzzi, and don’t pump in the pool.”
Hah! Tell that to the guy in the township with the illegal electrical connection. Explain that to the poor squatter, who has never been in a bath – let alone a swimming pool.
“If you don’t stop using electricity, we will klap you with a ***power share black-out like you whiteys wouldn’t believe! Like in 2008!”
“The coal is wet, we can’t light the fire.”
“A loose bolt has fallen into the nuclear generator, or maybe it was sabotage, or apartheid.”
“Every winter people use more electricity because of heaters; in summer they use electricity to power their air conditioners – this is all so unexpected!”
I leave you with this article from the Daily Maverick – a true classic:
After news of Eskom’s R3-million party in the Western Cape and “five other family fun days” across the country broke in the Sunday Times, the parastatal resorted to some deft spin doctoring on Monday to stress the consumer benefit of the events.
“They weren’t exactly parties,” Eskom spokeswoman Hilary Joffe told Daily Maverick. “They are family days, so they are partly parties,” she said, explaining that the multi-million rand events were actually aimed at bringing about efficiencies and savings within Eskom.
Yes, and those guys in the tub were just partly taking a bath!
*rub-a-dub-dub – From the Ancient Book of Hyphens, meaning: “To rub someone’s dub-dub”
**mofketeers – Note: mofketeers have the motto: “All for one, and all in the hol”
***penalise – not to be confused with penectomy: “the surgical removal of the penis”
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