Evolution – the REAL history
So you think you know the background on Charles Darwin and his theory of evolution? Here’s the real story behind the myth ... well, sort of.
Whilst studying at Cambridge, Professor Henslow, who may or may not have had a secret man-boy crush on young Charles – there were rumours - recommended that young Mr Darwin accompany Captain Robert FitzRoy aboard the HMS Beagle on an expedition around North America, stopping off first at a medical convention being held in New York.
With the HMS Beagle having set sail, heading due east, young Charles caught the whiff of a strange odour rising from the crew’s sleeping quarters. Upon closer inspection, Mr Darwin was introduced to several West-Indian cabin boys and joined them in passing around a spliff of Jamaica’s finest. It wasn’t long before the entire crew, including Captain FitzRoy, had congregated below deck to join in the festivities.
Half a dozen bongs, a batch of cookies and three missed-sunsets later, the stoned crew finally revived and awoke with killer headaches and a serious case of the munchies. During the feeding frenzy that followed, they may or may not have eaten Jean-Claude, the ship’s navigator – details remain sketchy.
Several weeks later, with Charlie green around the gills, having just barfed up his breakfast off the starboard bow, he raised the alarm believing he’d spotted the Statue of Liberty. Captain FitzRoy corrected him and informed Mr Darwin that it was not the Statue of Liberty but indeed the statue of Christ the Redeemer atop the Corcovado Mountain in Rio.
‘Rio?’ said Charles. ‘Good heavens man, that’s in South America!’
‘Right you are,’ said the Captain.
‘Well, we’re supposed to be attending a convention in New York. As in New York, North America?’
‘North?’ said the Captain.
‘Yes, bloody north! This is a continental cockup,’ said Charles, coining the phrase.
‘Struth lad’ said the Captain. ‘I thought you said south. I’m not sure how this happened? Say, has anyone seen Jean-Claude?’
Young Charles decided to make the best of a bad situation and agreed to continue with the crew on this new, unplanned adventure as they pub-crawled their way along the South American coastline. This continental faux pas was to be the turning point in young Darwin’s discoveries.
Charles spent several hazy years exploring the wonders of South America and most notably the Galápagos Islands. After bottling a few samples of rock, soil, fossils and various insect and small bird species, he gathered a wide variety of ‘herbs’ and their seedlings, for ... ‘research purposes only’, said Charles. These delightful specimens included cannabis, sun-dried coca leaves and a large batch of delightfully interesting little mushrooms, for ... ‘cooking purposes only’.
En route back to England, Charles and crew once again transformed the HMS Beagle into a floating hot-box and mellowed their merry way home across the Atlantic.
Back home, Charles began sorting and planting his new herb collection. He also strategically stacked his jars of rocks, soils and fossils in the tool shed outside and used them as stands to prop up his herb trays.
It’s common knowledge that the Darwin family engaged in their fair share of incestuous behaviour, and Charles’ eureka moment came several months later whilst perusing through a wad of family photos. He noticed that several of his family members possessed a certain anthropoidal quality (that’s what happens when cousins breed, with Charles himself having married his own cousin, Emma Wedgwood). The light suddenly went on and thus began the start of Charlie’s real work into understanding the links between genetics and his family’s ill health.
After much research on the matter, and a lot of ‘private time’ in the smoky tool shed, Charles Darwin concocted his absurd theories and eventually published his assertions, and in so doing, utterly confused the world - or at least the gullible part of it - and the rest, as they say, is history.
So, only one question remains:
Charles Darwin – Super Scientist or Cannabis Crackpot? You decide.