Don’t you just hate listening to Bible Punchers (BP’s) when they’re having an argument, or when they’re trying to boast their knowledge of the Good Book? To the uninitiated ear, it always sounds as if they’re speaking in the Damn Brown Da Vinci Code. Two of them, arguing, would sound like this:
BP1: “You’re mistaken. John 14:1-4, prohibits us from enjoying that sin.”
BP2: “BS! Thessalonians 4:16-18 says you can do it with your neighbour’s wife, as long as no on sees you!”
BP1: “You lie! That’s not according to the gospel of Pope Philippians 3:20.”
BP2: “Well! This just goes to show that you have never read Revelation 21:2-7, you ignorant heathen!”
And they can keep this up for hours and hours and hours…
Can you imagine five of them sitting around a poker table in a smoky, cowboy saloon, in the Wild West?
BP1 would say: “I’ll open the betting with Hebrews 11:1.”
Going clockwise, BP2 would say: “I see your Hebrews 11:1, and raise you 2 Corinthians 5:7.”
BP3: “Hallelujah, Psalm 23:4.”
The fourth BP: “I call your 2 Corinthians 5:7; raise you a James 1:3, and a Genesis 38:8 – all in.”
Puncher number 5: “I fold. This is too rich for me. Revelation 22:21, Amen.”
Bible Punchers don’t argue – they simply slam you with chapter and verse – as if this is enough to put a stop to any argument. It’s like saying: “My Straight Flush beats your Full House. My John 14:5 beats your Esther 2:16. Finish and Klaar!”
The ants around my house are worse than Bible Punchers – and just as difficult to get rid of.
You men, who were in the Defense Force when it was still a Defense Force, would have heard this bit of advice: “Know your enemy.” Good advice. And this was what I decided to do with my enemy, the Ants. Know them.
I planned a two-pronged attack. Firstly, slam them with a Bible Puncher’s Chapter and Verse. And, secondly, give them a good dose of the old Know Your Enemy Doctrine.
So I took my seat at the poker table and opened the betting with a flourish.
“Proverbs 6:6,” I called.
(For all you atheists, wiccans, warlocks, witches, foreskin-worshippers, tooth fairies, and Freemasons out there: The New International Version of the Bible, Proverbs 6:6, reads: “Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise!”)
Following this advice, I burned some weed and beseeched the good god Google to give me guidance. Google answered my prayers and gave me the following Ant Killer Advice, from a young lady, called Karen Evans. I’ve copied her recipe, and pasted it here:
Take a small amount of powdered sugar (also called icing sugar) and mix it with an equal amount of baking soda (formally called sodium bicarbonate) and water. Powdered sugar is essential. You cannot use the larger grains of sugar for this.
Mix the two powders together and then place small amounts against the walls or other areas where you would not normally walk but where you would normally see the ants.
The ants will be attracted to the sugar and will eat some of it and collect more to take home to feed others, so all of them will get their share.
The sugar and baking soda powders are similar in size and, once mixed together, the ants cannot separate the two items, so, as they eat the sugar, they will also ingest the baking soda, which they would otherwise never touch. This is the reason for using powdered sugar.
Once the ants eat the baking soda it will react with the formic acid in their stomachs and cause gas. The bodies of ants are unlike humans and they cannot eliminate gas so it will build up inside and eliminate them.
Urethra! I have found it! My enemy’s weakness! Ants cannot fart! They have no
anuses anusesses annii exhaust pipes!
Now let me tell you what I plan to do this weekend:
I’m going to “Go to the ant,” as suggested in Proverbs 6:6. But I won’t be going there as a sluggard. And I won’t be going there to consider their ways, or to get wise.
I’m shall be going there to plant Karen’s sugar and baking powder landmines all around my house – inside and out. Then I’m going to wait for the gas to build up in their Proverbial 6:6 bodies.
And then I’m going to laugh myself into a coma once they start exploding like thousands of miniature pop corn kernels…
Pop! Pop! Pop! All around my house.
I can hardly wait…