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FATCATS - The manifesto

13 January 2014, 12:09

I’ve read with interest some of the developments these past few days in SA and have decided that the time is right to start a new political party.

Accordingly I herewith wish to issue my manifesto, for and on behalf of a party to be known as FATCATS – Free and Tasty Chicken and T-Shirts.

I realise that I am going to be stepping on toes here, not least those of the ruling elite who use my party’s name as their primary vote-gathering mechanism and also have assumed the party’s name as their personal persona but hey, ain’t we living in a free and fair democracy where everybody gets to do as they wish, regardless of consequences.

At least I’m being honest with my goals and intentions which is a far cry from what we presently have. Right then, here goes:

All individuals who join my party will, as a once off, receive a FREE basket of KFC’s finest and a FREE T-shirt emblazoned with the party’s iconic motto – One Man, One Chicken, One T-Shirt.

The leadership of the party – me actually – had thought to conform with current non-sexist policies by going for One (Wo)Man, One Hen/Rooster, One Something or Other but this would obviously have made the party’s name invalid and the very last thing we/I wish to do is confuse prospective voters. There are others amongst us who are already doing that.

Moving forward, FATCATS intends – once in power obviously – to abolish income tax, abolish work – even though the ruling party have already adopted this as a policy – and provide free housing, free education, including higher, and free health care.

Obviously all the free stuff will take time to implement as somebody has to first pay for it but that has been addressed as follows:

We/I – once elected – will also abolish parliament, abolish all jobs linked to parliament, including the provincial legislatures and the numerous kings, queens and tribal kingdoms. This on its own will provide the new government with enough finance to keep going for about 20 years as we/I will also sell off all properties, vehicles, compounds, kraals, palaces and overseas assets carefully hoarded by the present government and its employees.

As an aside one wouldn’t believe how much money is invested in not only the above but also in positions where nobody does any work, in holiday homes, in aeroplanes, ships, armies, navies and assorted government enterprises like Eskom, Transnet, Spoornet, Wagnet and Kyknet – all of which is unnecessary and wasteful.

I was horrified when I did a quick calculation this morning whilst drinking coffee as there were so many zeroes involved in the figures that I immediately thought of Bill Gates, Microsoft and the Oppenheimers but let’s not digress here.

Okay, once we/I’ve done all of the above and accumulated a huge amount of money I will appoint a new government, peopled by trustworthy, honest and reliable individuals – mostly relatives and friends who I must say have been most supportive thus far, and obviously thus now need to be rewarded whilst I still know who they all are – and we/I will re-establish certain facets of government necessary to actually govern this new country which we/I shall call Utopia. Catchy, hey?

Personally we/I don’t see this last-mentioned process as being very difficult as I’ve watched the present government in action and reckon that with about a dozen hand-picked people we/I could do exactly what they’ve done in 20 years at a fraction of the cost. A very small fraction in fact.

The individual provinces must go as we/I firmly believe in a top-down structure, as in a one-man business where I give the orders and those below me follow them. Much simpler than having people all over the country making decisions and then finding that there so many of them, and so few workers, that nothing actually gets done. Logical, ne?

Obviously I would like here to divulge more details of what our/my plans for the future are – ha – but our/my feeling is that this would unnecessarily clutter the manifesto as our/my primary concern is to firstly get elected.

All good plans must involve somebody leading the sheep, I mean people, to the promised land but that takes time, money and effort, so all willing to join me please be prepared to dig deep and support me in my efforts to get T-shirts printed and buy the required KFC.

Obviously, once in power we/I will be amply rewarded for the initial investment – and here I’m talking mega-bucks – but hey, we have to start somewhere.

I/we plan to hold a rally somewhere convenient – and obviously cheap – at my/our earliest convenience but for now let’s be content with knowing that a start has been made, that we are going places and that Utopia beckons.

I’m attaching my/our banking details hereto to get things off the ground and please don’t be put off by the fact that it’s a Swiss bank account as I’ve had some difficulty getting these confounded SA banks to open an account with no funds available as yet. Once in power we/I will obviously nationalise them too, just to show them who’s boss.

Kindest regards to all my soon-to-be loyal subjects,

King Sipho I

PS. I must say this issuing of a manifesto is way easier than I thought it would be, also much cheaper doing it this way than having everybody congregate in Mbombela wearing party colours and devouring all the food and drink in Mpumalanga.

We/I are thus already saving the country money which can only show that my/our intentions are honourable.

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