I never really thought to much about culture until our Eminent President mentioned it in a speech recently. I kind of thought it was something to do with concert halls and guys like Beethoven. Now I understand that there is a black culture and a white culture. White culture is about caring for dogs and things. Since I'm black thats not for me. I must embrace black culture. Unfortunately I never really got to live in a mud hut in rural KZN so one can forgive me for not really understanding it. However, thanks to our Eminent President and various other black conscious types around, I think I'm beginning to catch on.
Basically, anything that upsets whites is black culture. Especially slaughtering cows in your back garden, having loud parties, having your way with as many women as possible and wearing animal skins around your waist instead of clothes. A cultural weapon is a spear and a knobkerrie. I'm sure an AK47 would also qualify. I wander what qualifies as an American cultural weapon. Maybe the F22 jet fighter? Culture is also, unfortunately, to do with languages.
The problem I have is my ancestors were totally mixed up, and I'm even more mixed up. I have a small percentage of just about every black tribe in SA in me. I wouldn't be surprised if theres a bit of white and Indian in there somewhere too. So I suppose I need to embrace them all, which means spending a vast amount of time learning languages, not to mention all the other idiosyncrasies. But if thats what culture is about, my problem must be small compared to some whites. All of them that I know are a very mixed up lot. For centuries they invaded and reinvaded each other, had affairs with each other and married each other. Your average white South African almost surely has a bit of Italian, Irish, English, German, Serb, Viking...I could go on. Thats a lot of cultures to embrace.
It does seem as though some people are culturally more fortunate than others. Take my bit of Zulu culture. In this culture, you may have as many wives and other women on the side as you like. You also don't need to go to a colonialist school, you can just learn stuff around the kraal. Or by listening to stories at the knee of your grandfather who herded cows his whole life. Life is just doing the things you like to do. Getting drunk. Singing and dancing. Fighting. Shagging. Our Eminent President is a fine cultural example.
Anyway, now I know my black skin makes it culturally inappropriate to have and care for a dog. However, I assume I may may love and care for a cow or a chicken. And, it seems culture can change with time. At Mangaung one of the main sponsors was Moet & Chandon. I know for a fact that every one of our Eminent Leaders, including Juju, have embraced Moet & Chandon as an honorary cultural drink. That nasty white beer your great grandmother used to make has conveniently been forgotten. Similarly, you could say the BMW X5 has replaced the donkey cart as the African cultural mode of transport.
So all of you, like me, who never bothered to have a culture, choose one for yourself. Better yet, choose a bit of each one you qualify for. Or do what our Eminent Leaders do, just embrace a suitable culture when you find you need it. For example, the next time a woman slaps you in the shebeen for being to forward, reprimand her for being culturally insensitive. Thats nearly as bad as being called a racist.
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