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Forget the Rhino – Free Willy

10 May 2012, 10:28

It would seem as if the daily news consists mainly of four things: politics, crime, mayhem, and sport. But, every now and then, a fifth member rears his ugly head and is added to this unholy foursome: Willy.

Most of us are well acquainted with Willy (no, not Willy Nelson, dummy!) – Willy Winky! Some know him on a very personal level (having grown up with him), while others – mostly from the opposite sex – have a touchy-feely relationship with Willy.

Willy’s exploits are legion – like the demons referred to in the Bible – a weapon of mass destruction (WMD); if ever there was one. Throughout history, most of man’s problems can be traced back to Willy. Starting with Eden’s snake-and-apple story – right up and beyond the shower escapade of our illustrious leader – Willy has always been deeply involved in controversy; and the butt of more than a few jokes.

Willy goes under many names, but the most politically correct one seems to be “penis.” (From the Latin: “penis,” Indo-European origin, meaning: “root of all evil.”) So: dick, salami, bone, ding-a-ling, dipstick, monster, pecker, pee-pee, tent pole, etc, etc. – you can call Willy whatever you want – depending on your relationship with him. For now let’s just stick to “penis,” OK?

A number of Willy’s comings and goings has been reported on these pages over the past year – some are funny, whilst others are the stuff of nightmares.

Let’s look at a few:

MultiChoice was fined R10 000 by the BCCSA for showing full frontal male nudity on a show which had a PG13 age restriction. So, parents, tell all your kids who are less than 13 years of age: “There is no Willy; only Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy. Now go to your rooms. All is forgotten.”

In 1993, Lorena Bobbitt started a new craze when she cut off her husband’s penis and threw it out the car’s window, into a field on the side of the road. Since then, quite a few Willies have been pruned by people who were less than impressed by this (sometimes) upstanding member of the male anatomy.

In Aix-en-Provence a Frenchman chopped off a love rival’s penis; leaving him with just 3cm of his WMD; as a sign of goodwill. The Frenchman now faces 15 years imprisonment. (Calculated at 1 year/cm? The French are funny.)

And how about the Afghan woman who cut off her father-in-law’s penis when he tried to rape her? After she cut him down to size, he went for treatment at a private hospital (“private,” get it?), but was sent to the capital, Kabul, for specialist treatment.

An argument over houseguests caused a woman in Southern California to cut off her estranged husband’s estranged penis – with a 25cm kitchen knife (the punishment must fit the crime?). She then dumped the estranged off-cut into the garbage disposal. The victim declined to comment on the incident. “This is a private (that word again!) matter,” he said. Needless to say – the estranged piece of garbage could not be recycled.

And then there is Daniel Craig, aka 007, who explained that along with maintaining his good health, his most treasured possession is his penis. This makes sense. After all – what good is a penis, if ill health confines you to your deathbed?

Miley Cyrus *(kommin soos gras, swaer!), of Hannah Montana fame, was presented with a penis-shaped cake by her boyfriend on her nineteenth birthday. Can you image this guy? Talk about tackiness! Her father, old Billy Ray, must be having an Achy Breaky Heart-attack.

Finally, here is the other side of the coin:

A Bangladeshi man was forced to parade naked through his village with a brick tied to his penis – as punishment for kidnapping and marrying a minor. Eish! Stretching a point, wouldn’t you agree?

And a man in San Francisco is suing BMW – alleging that he has had a painful, two year erection (also called: “priapism,” from the ancient Sanskrit, meaning: “enough is enough!”)  after riding on his 1993 BMW motorbike. He says that he has had an extremely hard time since the fateful day of the ride, on the first of May 2010.

Shows you – some people complain when they don’t have Willies, and some complain when they have too much of Willy. People are just never happy.

And that is the long and the short of it.

*           Sweet little girl, brother-in-law

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