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Irukandji
 
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Fowls and foul language

26 June 2014, 18:52

It would seem as if those who have the poorest command of English are specially selected to answer the telephones at call centers, businesses, and customer care helplines.

Much to my shame, I have to admit that I do not speak any of the indigenous languages. But then again, the same can be said of the indigenous people. At best, they speak a terrible mix of local languages and Kasi slang (Tsotsitaal). At worst, they mangle the English language beyond recognition. It’s tru, dae deng!

Every time Malema or one of his comrades speaks to the pee pull, I feel like sheeting in my pents. (You see, Sakkie? It’s bloody contagious.)

“The fum wekkas, the nesses, the mynas, the teechas – all of this pee pull and pessins – will be getting the benny feet of financial freedumb when they vote for my putty. Viva, EFF! Viva!

And you, the fum wekkas, you are being undermined by your white employas. We shall take the white fummas to cot. We shall much to their fums and ben them to the ground. We will make egg zumpulls of them.

We are engaged in tocks with the Deeputtmint of Public Wex to build free howzees where all our pee pull can leave. We shall give government grunts for everyone.

Our suppott stuff has struckchas in place to create chops for all the chopless pee pull. Viva, EFF! Viva!

I leaf you with this putting shot: The docks have been bucking for too long – now the docks are going to bite the pee pull that have been humming and suppressing them for four hundred and feefty yes.”

*Checks to see if pents are still clean*

It has long been standard practice for the corrupt ANC-government to buy votes and rent-a-crowds, with the lure of T-shirts and KFC.

This got me thinking: has anyone ever done research into the long-term side effects of eating free ANC KFC? So, being the tenacious old fart that I am, I decided to research this inscrutability.

I got this from Wikipedia:

“The chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus) is a domestic fowl. As one of the most common and widespread domestic animals, with a population of more than 24 billion in 2003, there are almost as many chickens as Zimbabweans in South Africa. Humans keep chickens primarily as a source of food; consuming both their meat and their eggs.

Fowl had been known in Egypt since the mid-15th century BC as the ‘bird that gave birth every day.’ (This was around the time when Moses got lost in the desert for 40 years after taking a wrong turn when he crossed the Red Sea.)”

Fowl Courtship: “To initiate courting, some roosters may dance in a circle around or near a hen (“a circle dance”), often lowering his wing which is closest to the hen. The dance triggers a response in the hen and when she responds to his “call”, the rooster may mount the hen and proceed with the mating.”

OK. So far, my research hadn’t amounted to much. But I persevered, until, by pure serendipitous chance, I fortuitously stumbled upon an ancient Dead Sea Scroll which cast a whole new meaning to the word “foul.”

Ancient Scroll (Babylon Barberton Times, dated 24 June 2014 AD):

A security guard, Sfiso Sambo, received a fine of R500 after he admitted to having sex with a chicken in the Louw’s Creek Court on May 14. (No, Sakkie, he didn’t have sex with the bloody chicken in court, his case was heard in court. The writer of the Scroll was only required to get 30% at school.) The hen’s injuries were so severe that she couldn’t lay eggs for a week. The SPCA would like to emphasise the fact that chickeniality is a criminal offence in South Africa. They also say that there is a proven link between eating fowls and abusing these poor creatures. “This peppa trayta must be brought to book to the full extent of the long ahm of the law,” they said.

Eyewitnesses to the foul deed described how Sfiso Sambo danced in a circle around the hen – lowering his arm which was closest to the hen. When the hen responded to his “call” by trying to run away, Sambo caught and mounted her, and proceed with the mating.

In court, when asked to explain his actions, Sambo replied: “I thought it was a beglah, My Lady. I noticed that the bathroom window was open. That is correct, My Lady. I realised that the intrudah was in the toilet because the toilet door was closed and I did not see anyone in the bathroom which was incorrect, My Lady. So I used my gun, My Lady. Sniff, sniff, snot gurgle, puke, puke, My Lady.”

A traditional healer, who pleaded Sambo’s case, said: “You have to throw these case out of cot, Your Honourableness Highness. Sfiso has been eating free KFC for more than 20 yes. It has hummed his mind and his honourable memba. Just like the minds and honourable membas of 62% of our pee pull.

Our ANC leedas have addicted us to chicken. It’s the muti of the 11 hebs and spysees in the KFC. We love chicken. Very, very, much. We won’t give up our chicken! We will die for our chicken!”

The case was dismissed.

Epilogue:

The hen has been sent to Weskoppies for an extensive mental health evaluation.

Sambo has been redeployed as a security guard on a goat farm…

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