By the unpopular demand of exactly two (2) readers, I bring you yet another dreary chapter from the annals of the mythical Freedom Charter, called: The Lent Shall be Shat Among Those Who Weck It!
Today, children, we shall try to keep the mood light-hearted and humorous. Let’s forget about Oscar’s piss stories for just a few minutes.
Long ago and far away, in a place called Kliptown, some disgruntled Elves and Dwarves gathered to see who could dream up the biggest Demand in the Kingdom. The delegates (also known as “comrades”), were all eager to impress their fellows. Each tried to invent a more outrageous demand than the one before.
“The Pee Pull Shall All Drive Black BMW’s,” shouted an elf with pointy ears.
“Free Blue Lights for All Our Donkey Carts!” demanded another.
“Die Boere se Moere!” coming from a fat little dwarf at the back.
“Everyone Shall be Given his own Platinum Mine,” shouted another.
“See-vass Deelee-varry in Our Lifetime,” yelled someone in the front row.
“We want to have Dignity in our Toilets,” murmured the horny elves from Pothole-Kwane, in Limpopo. (Dignity was a local sex worker from Modimolle.)
“Order! Order! Comrades, please come to order!” pleaded the chairman.
(Sadly, one hundred and ninety one comrades were trampled to death in the ensuing stampede. Everyone rushed to the podium – trying to place an “order” for Jack Daniel’s, Johnny Blue, Heineken, KFC, and Nando’s. The dead comrades were buried with full military honours and awarded the Order of Struggle Heroes of Mapungubwe, Class 1, posthumongously. Struggle Hero, Class 2, was awarded to all of the injured. Their families also qualified for free T-shits, and disability grunts in perpetuity.)
Finally, after all the dead bodies had been removed, the comrades settled down once again. An inspired old dwarf, who was dressed in a frilly purple tutu, stood up and said: “Eh-eh-eh, muck my weds, eh-eh, the Lent Shall be Shat, eh-eh-eh, Among Those Who Weck It. I wish, eh-eh-eh, that I could, eh-eh, shut up, eh-eh-eh, but I can’t, eh-eh, and I won’t.”
The crowd went wild! What insight! What genius! What a statement! Give the man a Piece of the No Bell’s Prize!
Never has anyone had the audacity to express such an outrageous idea in a pubic arena! The pee pull were expected to WORK without white supervision for the first time ever! The comrades were shocked to the cores of their collective *anii.
An obese little dwarf, with the words: Commander-and-Chef tattooed on his forehead, stood up. “Just one question, Comrade,” he said. “What is WORK? There is no such word in Pedi.”
(The Elves and Dwarfs started singing and toi-toiing again.)
“Calm down! Please calm down, comrades!” begged the chairman, (having learned not to call them to order again), “let’s hear what the Eh-eh-eh, who is dressed in a frilly purple tutu, has to say.”
And this is what the frilly purple tutu said. (My remarks in brackets):
“The Land Shall be Shared Among Those Who Work It!”
**(More than 90% of South Africa’s white owned farms, which were redistributed to the black population, are now unproductive and bankrupt.)
1. Restrictions of land ownership on a racial basis shall be ended, and all the land re-divided amongst those who work it to banish famine and land hunger.” (The emphasis is on “work.” Not the plundering of crops, equipment, and infrastructure – and then sitting back to watch the weeds take over the farm.)
2. The state shall help the peasants with implements, seed, tractors and dams to save the soil and assist the tillers. (And the peasants shall sell the implements and tractors, eat the seeds, and let the dams fill up with silt, weeds, and rubbish.)
3. Freedom of movement shall be guaranteed to all who work the land. (Work? Work? That colonial word again. Everyone knows that the comrades want jobs; not work.)
4. All shall have the right to occupy land wherever they choose. (Occupy, and then what? Certainly not to work the land. Maybe this was where old Mad Bob got the idea for his farm invasions.)
5. People shall not be robbed of their cattle. (The white farmers would be delighted if cattle thieves would stop stealing their stock. But then again: serves the Boere right for not redistributing their hard-earned wealth with the elves and dwarves.)
And that, children, brings us to the end of this lacklustre, uninspiring chapter.
Now, if you are an Elf or a Dwarf, it is up to you to contact your nearest service provider’s office to find out when you can move onto your new farm.
PS Elves and Dwarves, make sure that you take possession of the farm just before the crops are ready to be harvested. For the last time ever.
*anii – plural of anus
**BBC News - http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8547621.stm
The Freedom Charter
The BS Chronicles
The Lords of Pothole-Kwane