The third malicious chapter from the mythical Freedom Charter Chronicles is called: All Shall be Equal before the Law!
All right, children, settle down. Today we are going to study the third chapter of the Kliptown Chronicles – that revered document which promises: “Our country will never be prosperous or free until all our people live in brotherhood, enjoying equal rights and opportunities.” In other words: NEVER.
But that’s not important right now.
From the previous chapter, you will recall the gathering of the Elves and Dwarves in the little hamlet of Kliptown, in the Kingdom called “Mzansi.” Their aim was to see who could come up with the most outrageous statement. The first round’s winner was an old dwarf who took his name from his favourite holiday resort. He was called Rob an Island. Old Rob later became an icon – from the Greek eikon, which is a corn or a callus: something that forms on the toes of people wearing the wrong size shoes.
But that’s not important right now.
After the usual: “Calm down, comrades. Calm down!” from the chairman, the delegates stopped dancing and took to their seats. (You do remember why they were not called to order, of course. If not, you really have to start paying attention in class.)
A little fat dwarf, dressed in purple, with a black beret which clung to his shiny bulbous head like an overstuffed leech with one yellow eye, was singing: “Awe mama ndiyekele, awe mama iyo, aw dubul’bhunu, dubula dubula, aw dubul’bhunu.” But no one was any paying attention to him anymore (hy het sy naam mielie gemaak); so he left the meeting – presumably to tend to his cows. Bovines. Both of them.
An old Elf, also dressed in purple but with a BIG cross on a chain around his neck, got up and said: “My name is Arch. Hic! You can call me Arch. Hic! I am an archbishopoholic. I took my last drink this morning at mass. Hic!”
“Hi, Arch, Hic!” chorused the delegates.
Arch dried his tears; from laughing at all the BS stories he heard at the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. Then in a thin, reedy, sing-song voice he went on: “We are, all of us, gross humans who have been rightly violated, like the rainbow! Hic! Don’t try to confuse me – this is my first fully democratic erection since Apartheid.”
(The Dwarves and Elves love stories about Apartheid; it inspires them to invent wonderful fables of heroes with “impeccable struggle credentials,” who fought in the trenches outside the pubs in London and Amsterdam, while in Exile.)
Suddenly, the National Commissioner of the Elf police, wearing a fancy hat and trench coat – which made him look like a pimp – jumped up, screaming: “Shoot to kill, worry later! Just like Apartheid! Ek het nie op my Bheki geval nie!”
The delegates loved this!!! “Our Hero!” they all sighed. “Give him a Johnny’s!”
He continued: “I propose that All Shall be Equal Before the Law!” (my comments in brackets):
No-one shall be imprisoned, deported or restricted without a fair trial. (Criminals shall be declared terminally ill and sentenced to a life of playing golf and shopping.)
No-one shall be condemned by order of any Government official. (The reason is obvious: Government officials do not condemn crime – they condone it.)
The courts shall be representative of all the people. (All the people meaning: the drunks, adulterers, criminals, philanderers, etc, etc. Including a judge who slammed into a drunken wall and then claimed: “Hakuna Matata, the wall is white! This is a racist conspiracy!”)
Imprisonment shall be only for serious crimes against the people, and shall aim at re-education, not vengeance. (Crimes such as the “mismanagement” of millions, or charges of racketeering, corruption, money laundering and fraud, are not classified as “serious crimes.” In fact, this will help to ensure that you get elected to the highest seat of power in Mzansi – the post of “Showerhead.”)
The police force and army shall be open to all on an equal basis and shall be the helpers and protectors of the people. (Which means that the police shall be open to bribes, and that army shall be equally staffed with criminals and delinquents?)
All laws which discriminate on grounds of race, colour or belief shall be repealed. (Affirmative Action and BEE shall be implemented to ensure that the minority are deprived of jobs, and study and career opportunities. Even black and white rhinos are still not allowed get married.)
And with that, children, we come to the end of another chapter of this gripping saga. Now go out and commit some heinous crime and you will see that you can get away with murder in this country; literally.