PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 41
Article views: 1393
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Ghosts and Horoscopes

09 January 2014, 08:21

I don’t believe in ghosts. But I’m not one to take chances either. That’s why I always whistle when I walk alone in the dark. (Someone once told me that it keeps ghosts away.) And so far, it seems to be working just fine – I’ve not seen a single ghost, spirit, phantasm, sphincter, or specter, since I started whistling in the dark.

OK. I admit: I’ve seen lots people staring strangely at my whistling, but no spooks.

I don’t believe in *Horoscopes either. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t read them every day. The Horoscope is like the Lotto. Unless you play, you’ll never win – and your numbers will never come up.

So, unless you read your Horoscope, how will you know when your lucky day has arrived? Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?

Now here’s the thing: I have developed a system for reading the Signs of the Stars. I read all the Horrific forecasts, and then pick the one which I like the most. Let me give you a for instance. (I’ve taken just three Astronomical daily Starsign prophecies.) Guess which one I picked for the day:

Aquarius: The developments of today require that you make an enormous sacrifice. Since you are already suffering in silence, you have to be mindful not make any fatal mistakes. Your financial ruin is a very real possibility.

Cancer: Love is sweet for you today; and whether you whisper tender words in his/her ear or whether you write a love letter or poem, your lies will be believed. Tonight’s the night. The whole night! **Vasbyt!

Taurus: You may believe that this is just another ordinary day. BIG mistake! Problems will appear when you least expect them. Death and destruction wait around the corner. You’ll be lucky to make it through the week alive.

Yep! You got it. Using my system, I picked Cancer for my starry forecast of the day.

But, as with most things in life, just when you think you’ve got it sorted out, disaster strikes. This morning I got this Horror scope:

Your sexual wish is to make love, while wearing only a pair of spectacles. You are anal retentive to the point where it has become a compulsive disorder.

Bliksem! (Yes, Sakkie. Bliksem!) I was shocked to the core of my sokkies!

For an old fart, my eyes are still in good working order, and now some Astronaut tells me to wear glasses when making love to the missus! I know that she is not as good looking as she once was, but Hell! Neither am I! And I don’t need glasses to see that!

And then there’s the anal thing. I looked it up on Wikipedia (I suggest that readers close their eyes when reading the following piece – it’s not for the faint hearted):

Anal retentive (also anally retentive):

Origins:

In Freudian psychology, the anal stage is said to follow the oral stage of early childhood development. This is the time when an infant’s attention moves from oral stimulation to anal stimulation. In other words: toilet training. Freud theorized that children who experience conflicts during this period of time may develop “anal” personality traits.

Well! I’ve never been so insulted in my life!!! Anal retentive, indeed! (Hold me down, Sakkie. I feel a murder coming on!)

According to Sigmund Freud, I’ve not only suffered a lot of conflict while I was doing potty training – I’ve also got an anal personality. In other words: I’m an a$$$hole!

Luckily, I’m fairly thick-skinned. Insults roll off me like a hippo rolls off an ***elephant’s back. I’ll never believe in the Zodiac again. It’s just a lot of nonsense, I tell you.

From now on I’ll stick to whistling in the dark…

*Horoscopes – whistling doesn’t scare Horoscopes away

**Vasbyt – if you don’t know what it means, you shouldn’t be reading this

***elephant’s back – you’ve never seen a hippo there, have you? Proves my point

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
41 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Howard Feldman
Seriously BDS, Get a Grip

The BDS need to acknowledge what a monumental failure their South African Woolworths campaign has been. Read more...

95 comments 2541 views
Submitted by
Pierre Willemse
Boks vs Wales - the final stretch

What an enthralling year of ups and downs it has been and in my opinion a lot more ups than downs. Read more...

0 comments 223 views
Submitted by
Craig Pedersen
Thoughts of Freemasonry

Founded in South Africa in 1756, Freemasonry is South Africas oldest fraternal organisation - if not the oldest established organisation.  Read more...

116 comments 3418 views
Submitted by
woadstress
Melancholy Madness

 Read more...

3 comments 161 views
Submitted by
NotSoMysteriousBrony
The folly of Labour laws

Recently I heard that government wishes to up the minimum wage requirements for domestic workers. This got me thinking about the increased strictness of labour laws in our country.  Read more...

31 comments 1304 views
Submitted by
Kalos eidos
The Rasputin behind Vladimir Puti...

Although appearing to embrace conservatism, today’s Russia seems to be a mass of contradictions especially with the emergence of a so-called Bolshevik party and its admiration of both Stalin and Tsarist Russia. Read more...

4 comments 809 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Magical Massinga

Spend 5 nights at the gorgeous Massinga Beach Lodge in Mozambique and only pay for 4 from R13 220 per person sharing. Includes return flights, accommodation, transfers and romantic turndown. Book now!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

Save up to 60% on toys!

Don’t miss out on this hot offer, save up to 60% on toys. While stocks last. Shop now!

Festive gifts!

Check out our awesome range of festive gifts to make everyone’s wishes come true. Shop now!

Seen something you like in our catalogue?

Find the perfect gift and save up to R5000 – As seen on the catalogue. Hurry and shop now!

Save up to R2200 on electronics! – As seen in the catalogue

Wishing for tech gadgets this festive? Save up to R2100 on hot tech products at kalahari.com. While stocks last. Shop now!

Up to 35% off books

Save up to 35% on the latest page-turners. While stocks last. Shop now!

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.