PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
GonzoMike
 
Comments: 14
Article views: 603
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all GonzoMike's badges.
 

Global Domination in 3 Simple Steps

06 February 2013, 09:01

I am often asked, in all my caustic wisdom, “GonzoMike, what is the best way to achieve complete Global Domination?” The answer will shock you.

Achieving Global Domination is surprisingly simple and by the end of this article you will be wondering why more people haven’t already achieved it. The answer is: Not everybody wants Global Domination. Most people are actually quite content to lead normal lives as teachers, butchers, bakers and candlestick makers. Ha! Poor fools!

Global Domination can be achieved by correctly applying the basic tenets of goal-setting; first you must have a clear goal: in this case Global Domination. Second, you must have a tangible outcome, something that once done, you will know that you have achieved your goal, for example, “Once I have achieved Global Domination, I will be able to conduct and direct world affairs” or “Once I have achieved Global Domination, I will be able to instantaneously spy on/and or control the behaviour of anyone who happens to be unfortunate enough to fall within the spectrum of my vast-conciousness!” Look at you already getting into the role of world dictator! Good job! In a few more steps you will have an operational strategy to begin your conquest!

Once you have a goal and a clearly defined outcome, you will need to build a step-by-step strategy, lucky for you, I have taken the time and effort of compiling one tailor-made for your requirements! Free of charge and with no strings attached! Do you see what a benevolent educator I am?

Step 1:

You will need a lair. This can be as simple as a secret laboratory beneath your parent’s house or as luxurious as a mansion in Sandton or Polokwane.  Once attained move on to Step 2.

Step 2:

You will need a legion of obedient followers. The closer to brain-dead your minions are, the better, but take caution not to stray too close to the brain-dead baseline as being dead is worse for your troop’s functional capabilities than low morale. Unless of course you choose option 3 below. The best way to gather an unquestioningly loyal army is via the following means:

1)     1)  Create your own religion complete with vague metaphors and conflicting dogma. E.g. “We are all but bunnies, dancing to the tune of the great carrot. Everything that is, is because the great carrot has willed it through his song.”

2)     2) Limit access to education for the masses. This may be difficult unless you are already in charge of an organization capable of such a thing. In which case, congratulations! You’re already halfway there! If this is the case, shutting down the internet and other channels of self-improvement and information flow should be of top priority to you.

3)     3) Orchestrate a Zombie apocalypse. Pro Tip: With some basic house training, Zombies make excellent slaves!  

4)     4)  Cool advertising and celebrity endorsements. This may sound like a logistical nightmare, but Graphic Design and Animation students will work for next to nothing, with the money you save, you can afford to hire your very own a washed-out celebrity mascot! They’re a dime-a-dozen! 

Step 3:

So you have your headquarters, your force of brainwashed disciples, now you’re ready for the big one! Depending on your choice of tangible outcome, you may now:

1)    1)  Use your minions to steal all the cake in the entire world.

2)    2)  Hijack communications and bombard the people of earth with your smiling face until they come to realize that you are their one true leader.

3)    3)  Become omnipresent with the use of a specially concocted cocktail of arsenic, cyanide and the sports drink of your choice.

4)    4)  Be confident to pick up girls at your local nightclub.

5)    5)  Work for Google.

I wish you all the best on your journey, friend! Good luck!

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
14 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Alan Solomon
Mind your language. Remember what...

History has shown how the most compelling political and religious leaders understood exactly why it is so important to speak to people in their mother tongue.  Read more...

0 comments 42 views
Submitted by
Kelvin Esiasa167
The amazing journey of Siyabulela...

One of South Africa's youngest innovators, Siyabulela Xuza, an energy-engineering Harvard University graduate, is passionate about harnessing the power of the sun for clean affordable energy. Read more...

1 comments 87 views
Submitted by
Jean da Cruz
Update on fire Betty's bay

I'm very grateful to the firefightes who have been very busy extinguishing the blaze at Betty's Bay even though the noise at times was unbearable. Read more...

1 comments 349 views
Submitted by
Deon George
SAPS air wing unit: Killing the c...

If you claim to care about the people, flora and fauna of SA, then best you read this. Read more...

50 comments 1293 views
Minister Nene you're destroying t...

With increase in tax you were unfair, not justified too ambitious. Read more...

10 comments 729 views
Submitted by
Moses Mbunge
Proteas win over West Indies

Congratulations to the Proteas for such a remarkable and outstanding victory. Read more...

8 comments 119 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

Deal of the week!

Petrol generators from R1399, save up to R350. While stocks last. Shop now!

30% off Pampers!

Save 30% when you buy 3 or more selected pampers products. While stocks last. Shop now!

This week only - 30% off books!

Get 30% off when you buy 2 or more books. Many titles to choose from. While stocks last. Shop now!

New range of Samsung smartphones!

Samsung Galaxy A3, A5 and Alpha now available at kalahari.com. while stocks last. Shop now!

Buy 3 eBooks & only pay for 2!

The cheapest of the 3 titles will be free. Many more titles to choose from. While stocks last. Shop now!

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2015 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.