I am often asked, in all my caustic wisdom, “GonzoMike, what is the best way to achieve complete Global Domination?” The answer will shock you.
Achieving Global Domination is surprisingly simple and by the end of this article you will be wondering why more people haven’t already achieved it. The answer is: Not everybody wants Global Domination. Most people are actually quite content to lead normal lives as teachers, butchers, bakers and candlestick makers. Ha! Poor fools!
Global Domination can be achieved by correctly applying the basic tenets of goal-setting; first you must have a clear goal: in this case Global Domination. Second, you must have a tangible outcome, something that once done, you will know that you have achieved your goal, for example, “Once I have achieved Global Domination, I will be able to conduct and direct world affairs” or “Once I have achieved Global Domination, I will be able to instantaneously spy on/and or control the behaviour of anyone who happens to be unfortunate enough to fall within the spectrum of my vast-conciousness!” Look at you already getting into the role of world dictator! Good job! In a few more steps you will have an operational strategy to begin your conquest!
Once you have a goal and a clearly defined outcome, you will need to build a step-by-step strategy, lucky for you, I have taken the time and effort of compiling one tailor-made for your requirements! Free of charge and with no strings attached! Do you see what a benevolent educator I am?
You will need a lair. This can be as simple as a secret laboratory beneath your parent’s house or as luxurious as a mansion in Sandton or Polokwane. Once attained move on to Step 2.
You will need a legion of obedient followers. The closer to brain-dead your minions are, the better, but take caution not to stray too close to the brain-dead baseline as being dead is worse for your troop’s functional capabilities than low morale. Unless of course you choose option 3 below. The best way to gather an unquestioningly loyal army is via the following means:
1) 1) Create your own religion complete with vague metaphors and conflicting dogma. E.g. “We are all but bunnies, dancing to the tune of the great carrot. Everything that is, is because the great carrot has willed it through his song.”
2) 2) Limit access to education for the masses. This may be difficult unless you are already in charge of an organization capable of such a thing. In which case, congratulations! You’re already halfway there! If this is the case, shutting down the internet and other channels of self-improvement and information flow should be of top priority to you.
3) 3) Orchestrate a Zombie apocalypse. Pro Tip: With some basic house training, Zombies make excellent slaves!
4) 4) Cool advertising and celebrity endorsements. This may sound like a logistical nightmare, but Graphic Design and Animation students will work for next to nothing, with the money you save, you can afford to hire your very own a washed-out celebrity mascot! They’re a dime-a-dozen!
So you have your headquarters, your force of brainwashed disciples, now you’re ready for the big one! Depending on your choice of tangible outcome, you may now:
1) 1) Use your minions to steal all the cake in the entire world.
2) 2) Hijack communications and bombard the people of earth with your smiling face until they come to realize that you are their one true leader.
3) 3) Become omnipresent with the use of a specially concocted cocktail of arsenic, cyanide and the sports drink of your choice.
4) 4) Be confident to pick up girls at your local nightclub.
5) 5) Work for Google.
I wish you all the best on your journey, friend! Good luck!