PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
GonzoMike
 
Comments: 14
Article views: 603
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all GonzoMike's badges.
 

Global Domination in 3 Simple Steps

06 February 2013, 09:01

I am often asked, in all my caustic wisdom, “GonzoMike, what is the best way to achieve complete Global Domination?” The answer will shock you.

Achieving Global Domination is surprisingly simple and by the end of this article you will be wondering why more people haven’t already achieved it. The answer is: Not everybody wants Global Domination. Most people are actually quite content to lead normal lives as teachers, butchers, bakers and candlestick makers. Ha! Poor fools!

Global Domination can be achieved by correctly applying the basic tenets of goal-setting; first you must have a clear goal: in this case Global Domination. Second, you must have a tangible outcome, something that once done, you will know that you have achieved your goal, for example, “Once I have achieved Global Domination, I will be able to conduct and direct world affairs” or “Once I have achieved Global Domination, I will be able to instantaneously spy on/and or control the behaviour of anyone who happens to be unfortunate enough to fall within the spectrum of my vast-conciousness!” Look at you already getting into the role of world dictator! Good job! In a few more steps you will have an operational strategy to begin your conquest!

Once you have a goal and a clearly defined outcome, you will need to build a step-by-step strategy, lucky for you, I have taken the time and effort of compiling one tailor-made for your requirements! Free of charge and with no strings attached! Do you see what a benevolent educator I am?

Step 1:

You will need a lair. This can be as simple as a secret laboratory beneath your parent’s house or as luxurious as a mansion in Sandton or Polokwane.  Once attained move on to Step 2.

Step 2:

You will need a legion of obedient followers. The closer to brain-dead your minions are, the better, but take caution not to stray too close to the brain-dead baseline as being dead is worse for your troop’s functional capabilities than low morale. Unless of course you choose option 3 below. The best way to gather an unquestioningly loyal army is via the following means:

1)     1)  Create your own religion complete with vague metaphors and conflicting dogma. E.g. “We are all but bunnies, dancing to the tune of the great carrot. Everything that is, is because the great carrot has willed it through his song.”

2)     2) Limit access to education for the masses. This may be difficult unless you are already in charge of an organization capable of such a thing. In which case, congratulations! You’re already halfway there! If this is the case, shutting down the internet and other channels of self-improvement and information flow should be of top priority to you.

3)     3) Orchestrate a Zombie apocalypse. Pro Tip: With some basic house training, Zombies make excellent slaves!  

4)     4)  Cool advertising and celebrity endorsements. This may sound like a logistical nightmare, but Graphic Design and Animation students will work for next to nothing, with the money you save, you can afford to hire your very own a washed-out celebrity mascot! They’re a dime-a-dozen! 

Step 3:

So you have your headquarters, your force of brainwashed disciples, now you’re ready for the big one! Depending on your choice of tangible outcome, you may now:

1)    1)  Use your minions to steal all the cake in the entire world.

2)    2)  Hijack communications and bombard the people of earth with your smiling face until they come to realize that you are their one true leader.

3)    3)  Become omnipresent with the use of a specially concocted cocktail of arsenic, cyanide and the sports drink of your choice.

4)    4)  Be confident to pick up girls at your local nightclub.

5)    5)  Work for Google.

I wish you all the best on your journey, friend! Good luck!

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
14 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Lion87
I Believe in Santa

Santa provides so much wonder and awe to millions of kids around the world Read more...

14 comments 144 views
Submitted by
Lindi Gross
On the subject of theft

In another vein - this is about petty thievery from homes. It is rife in the suburbs and although the Police are prompt and attentive - nothing is ever recovered.  Read more...

5 comments 908 views
Submitted by
Scooterza
The Sexless Marriage/Relationship

This is a hot topic at the moment with the recent survey saying SA men get nookie on average 52 times a year and the story of the husband who emailed his wife a list of excuses she gave for not engaging in sex.  Read more...

19 comments 1509 views
Submitted by
Jim Dickson
Violations Processing Centre

I find it very interesting, having moved to Cape Town, not just to avoid E-Tolls, that when I received my first ever E-Toll bill it is issued by the “Violations Processing Centre”. Read more...

7 comments 366 views
Submitted by
Godless Heathen
If you are calling for the death ...

We always get told that Bantu education was a sorry mess and the poor oppressed previously have nots were seriously disadvantaged by the system.  Read more...

58 comments 1872 views
Submitted by
jeremy thorpe
"Train" yourself to avoid e-tolls...

My journey to work now involves a trip on the Gautrain from Rosebank to Pretoria, followed by a brief 12 minute trip on Metrorail from Pretoria station to my place of work. Read more...

16 comments 1887 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Magical Massinga

Spend 5 nights at the gorgeous Massinga Beach Lodge in Mozambique and only pay for 4 from R13 220 per person sharing. Includes return flights, accommodation, transfers and romantic turndown. Book now!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

2 TV Series for R250

Get 2 TV Series box sets for R250 and save up to R148! Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Pre-order the Xbox One

Get this all-in-one entertainment system with live TV, movies, social networking and gaming. Pre-order now!

Up to 50% off hair care products!

Save up to 50% on professional hair care products at kalahari.com. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

30% off academic books

Score a mind blowing 30% off academic books! Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Mind blowing deals on electronics!

Save up to 35% on electronics. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.