I like pizza.
No... That's not entirely true.
I LOVE pizza. A wonderful and perfect blend of bread, sauce, cheese, and meat product. It fits my lifestyle perfectly: easy to prepare, easy to eat, filling, and bursting with flavors that leaves me in the throes of ecstasy. It fits perfectly in my hand, as if it was specifically designed to be easily consumed by man. Pizza is the center of my universe.
But there are a lot of pretenders in the world - falsely claiming to make the only 'real' pizza. But of course, the people making such assertions are clearly delusional. There's only one TRUE pizza - and that's New York style.
Neapolitan - that's really an old recipe, made in ancient times before people knew any better. They obviously didn't know how to make a real pizza in those days. While there are a lot of similarities, they just didn't get it right. New York pizzerias closely studied the Old Recipe, and found where they went wrong and made the necessary changes. You could say that our ancestors were less enlightened as to what the TRUE Recipe should be.
Deep Dish pizza? Ooh so wrong, and a clear misinterpretation of the one, TRUE Recipe. How could people be so gullible and misguided as to even consider this a pizza? It's a casserole - pretending to be a pizza....
Taco pizza - how the hell could something with beans, corn, and lettuce be even thought of as resembling the glorious food that TRUE pizza is?!!! Granted, they are a bunch of ignorant foreigners, so I guess they just don't know any better. New York should send some chefs down there to teach them the errors of their ways and convert them - by force if necessary.
Square pizza? What the heck? Are these people insane or just from another planet? You simply cannot interpret the recipe in such a blasphemous manner. This is not the WAY! I don't freaking care if they use the same ingredients, and it tastes the same. Pizzas are ROUND! Everybody knows this - it's a FACT! Next thing you know, they'll be saying that pizzas could be star-shaped.
And don't get me started on 'Hawaiian' pizza. What kind of evil cult must they be to use pineapple - a FRUIT! - on a pizza? No, no, no... Thats not a pizza, that's a dessert! It's sacrilege I tell you! They should all be put to death for even considering such a horrible abomination. May they roast in a wood-fired oven for all eternity!
And believe it or not, there are a lot of restaurants out there who are serving - what they claim to be - 'authentic' New York pizza. Good people, do not be swayed by these charlatans. At first glance, they may look like New York style pies. However, in reality they've altered the sacred Recipe - not a lot - but just enough to condemn any eater to eternal damnation. If you eat a slice of this 'mock' NY pizza, you will be led astray to your ultimate doom. YOUR DOOM, I say. Beware the false slice, and only eat the one, TRUE pizza.
And don't expect me to believe that drivel that all pizzas originated from one common recipe. That's just ridiculous! You can't slide a basic margarita pizza in the oven, and pull out a sausage and mushroom pizza when it's done. That's crazy! Where are the transitionary slices? There aren't any, because it's impossible! These people are idiots!
(I'm not even going to talk about those people who don't eat pizza - we all know where they will end up.. LOL).
Sauce bless you...
Mozzarella.
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