Shocked was how I felt when i saw the test results. Let me go back to a few days before the incident. I was head over heels in love with a senior guy in my school. He was 3 years older than me and had a different personality. My friends told me that we were different from each other and that our relationship will not last but i kept on singing the same song to them saying that we loved each other and that's all that matters.
December 2 2013 My boyfriend and I were still on campus enjoying our last days together because i stayed in another province and he stayed a few minutes away from school. We spent the night together watching movies and doing what any normal couple would do. Then came a moment that changed my life, my boyfriend penetrated me without a condom and he ejaculated. I looked at him in disbelief and I started crying and hitting him asking him why he would do such a thing.
I decided to pack my bags and leave, on my way home I bought the emergency contraceptive and took it. A few days later I started having cravings and I was sleeping most of the time. I always had something in my mouth and I was moody. I called my boyfriend and told him that the pills were making me feel weird and he said that I will alright.
Days went by and I started feeling better again. I looked at the calendar trying to count down how many days are left until I saw my love. Something did not add up. I was four days late. My world paused for a moment. All the things that mattered started coming to my consciousness. What was I going to say to my parents, I thought. I decided to buy a pregnancy test and it came out positive. I was part of the statistics now. 20 years old, pregnant and without a degree.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of the test and he told me to abort the baby. I cried and I told him I never want to talk to him again. I decided to end our relationship right there and then. I thought of him as a monster and thought he only wanted to use me. I tried to act all normal around my family and I could not stop touching my tummy and talking to my "baby". Days went by and I became asocial. I only thought of us and I started writing a diary of each day I spent with my baby. The name was Kgosietsile that translated to "the king has come".
January 2 2013 a month after the incident happened I had a miscarriage. I was psychologically well and I only had physical pain. I was in denial although the cramps were hard to ignore. I was back at school on January 5 and I acted all normal around my roommate and my ex boyfriend. I cried silently and asked God what have I done to deserve this. The pains spanned for almost two weeks. I decided to be strong for my baby.
It's been 10 months and I still cry whenever I think of baby Kgosi. I cry not because I wish things have turned out differently but because I have never talked to anyone about it. The psychological pain has turned me into someone I do not like. I spend most of my days alone and trying to visualize how he would have looked like. I think of him as a boy because there are only boys at my ex boyfriend's house.
I've got tears running down my face as I write this and I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not want to stop crying for him though. The feel his presence whenever I cry. These tears draw us closer together. Kgosietsile my lovely son. Gone too soon.
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