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Goodbye cruel world

06 December 2012, 20:56

Some time ago I reported on the end of the World – as predicted by the ancient Mayans – an event that is set to take place in two weeks’ time. This is the sequel to that piece of drivel.

For those of you who were fortunate enough to have missed the previous episode; this is the story so far:

According to the Mayans, the world will definitely, absolutely, unquestionably, positively, and without a doubt, come to a final, irreversible end – four days before Christmas this year – on the 21st of December.

(Now – and this is no coincidence: The ANC’s 563rd National Conference will be held in Mangaung from the 16th to the 20th of December; still leaving Zuma in power. The world will end on 21st December. Surely THAT should be enough to convince even to most sceptical atheist that the Mayan prediction is spot on!)

Archaeologists, who have been studying the Mayan culture, have been able to decipher the inscriptions on one of the Mayan calendars at the Tortuguero site, in *Tabasco®, Mexico. One inscription, known as b’ak’tun 563, reads:

“tzuhtzjo:m uy-u:xlaju:n pik,

chan ajaw u:x uni:w,

uhto:m il[?],

ye'ni/ye:n bolon yokte',

ta chak joya.”

Translated this means:

“In the year 2012 – one day after Mangaung,

On the 21st day of December,

It will be exactly thirteen minutes past eleven in Greenwich.

Meantime, the world will cease to exist.”

OK, that was the first episode; let’s proceed with the sequel:

The latest news from the Tortuguero site is that the archaeologists have found another remarkable inscription – written in fine print on the back of a Mayan calendar – in the ancient Zapotec-Olmec language: “El Calendario Pirelli es un calendario comercial publicado por la filial de la empresa Pirelli en el Reino Unido. Se trata de una publicación anual, que se remonta a 563 antes de Cristo.”

Roughly translated, this means: “The Pirelli Calendar is a trade calendar published by the Pirelli Company’s UK subsidiary. It has never been wrong since it first annual publication, dating back to 563 BC.”

Wow! I bet THAT shocked the socks off all you budding atheists and unbelievers out there! BC! Get it? Antes de Cristo! And this calendar has never been wrong!

But that’s not all:

There is a general misconception that the Mayans never invented, or used, the wheel. But now it is clear that, not only did they have the wheel; they actually used Pirelli tyres as their wheels of choice!

Researchers have long been mystified by an enormous amount of broken and shattered alpaca bones (and burnt-out chunks of rubber) that was discovered at an ancient dumpsite at Machu Picchu, in the Cusco Region of Peru, South America. Experts now agree that this dumpsite is, in fact, the forerunner of our modern scrap yards – the remains of accidents from the Mayan Formula One **Alpaca Grand Prix, circa 563 BC.

The Mayans have left clear instructions on what you should do on the 21st of December – when the wailing and gnashing of teeth starts: “Siéntese con la espalda en el suelo. Tire de las rodillas tan alto como sea posible más allá de sus oídos. Besa a tu culo adiós.”

This means: “Sit, with your backside flat on the ground. Pull your knees up as high as possible past your ears. Kiss your ***culo goodbye.”

So there you have it. Don’t say you haven’t been warned!

Finally, please send a copy of this post to at least twenty of your friends – warning them of our impending demise. Failure to do so will result in them leaving this cruel world without having said goodbye to their “you-know-whats.” And we can’t have that now, can we?

*Tabasco – Tabasco® is special because finest peppers are matured for several years in oak barrels to develop its unique aroma and flavour

**Alpaca – quadrupedal vertebrate; 563 horsepower; extremely fast when fitted with Pirelli tyres    

***culo – place where the sun never shines

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