I’ve never been interested in Astrology; the signs of the Zodiac; or the daily horoscope. But now, with just a week to go before we say a final goodbye to this corrupt young democracy of ours, I’m willing to clutch at any straw that might help to break the camel’s back.
Because of the super-abundance of Chinese stuff flooding our markets, I’ve decided to read their astrological predictions for the coming week. Chinese astrological forecasts are said to be very accurate. Or, as the Mandarin Chinese would say: “Weekly Chinee holloscopee velly acculate.”
First thing I had to do was to find my Animal Sign – calculated from the year I was born. For some or other reason I always thought that I was born in the year of the Pig. But maybe that was just because of something the wife had said – and it got stuck in my unreliable, selective memory.
I looked up the year of my birth on the Chinese Yin-Yan horrorscopic wheel. And guess what? I’m a Rat – and so is everyone born in the same year! Damn! I wanted to be a Tiger, or a Dragon, or maybe even a Snake; but such is Astronomy – you have no control over Karma, Fate, or Nkandla.
Then I started reading about my Rat-characteristics:
“Rats tend to collect and hoard, but are unwilling to pay too much for anything. They are devoted to their families, particularly their children. Quick-witted and passionate, they are capable of deep emotions despite their cool exteriors. Their nervous energy and ambition may lead them to attempt more tasks than they are able to complete successfully. Rats are stunningly handsome and blessed with one of the best intellects going. Others should always listen to the advice of the Rat. Because of their intellect and observatory powers, Rat people possess prudence and perception.”
I fully agree! These Chinese certainly know what they’re talking about!
The rest of the article describing my Rat-traits are way off – so let’s just skip those, shall we? Whoever wrote the damn thing had obviously made some serious typographical errors; losing the meaning in translation. Words such as: “unreliable, devious, scheming, parsimonious, cruel, and despicable,” are used. Clearly a mistake.
But, at last I knew where I stood – Astronomically speaking, that is. So now I could read my forecast:
“The Water Dragon is so good for you; it even makes the Horse’s mouth water! And, yes, this was one of your best years ever. There were only two ways you could have messed it up: Sit it out and accomplish nothing memorable, or try to outdo the outlandish Dragon. Anything to do with communication, networking, or travel could lead you to your heart's desire. Don't let this opportunity pass you by. Fly with the Dragon and make your dreams come true!”
So far, I agreed with the Zodiac that was made in China; but I still couldn’t find an answer as to the End of the World next Flyday. (As they would say in Mandarin Chinese.)
And then, hidden in fine print at the bottom of the page, I discovered:
“Finally, you now have the money to live the life you've been dreaming of! You've been nurturing an orchard of ideas for several years, and now it's ready to produce big, luscious fruit. If you want to entertain your friends, and celebrate lavishly, now is the time!”
PS The final edition of this velly acculate Astlonomical holosope will be plinted on Flyday, the 21st of Decembel 2012.
So I guess this is farewell then. Surely, the Chinese AND the Mayans can’t both be wrong. Can they?