There’s a little town in Scotland, name o’ Ochayebannockburn, an’ we make the best whuskey in th’ whole o’ Scotland, but we dinnae want any o’ th’ sassenachs fra’ doon south t’ find oot aboot it an’ ruin it fer th’locals.
Johnny McMattress was a wee lad who ran away fra’ the coalmine an’ went tae Glasgow t’ find wurrk for his hands and made whuskey instead and what happened? They make th’ lad oot t’ be somethin’ special. Changed his name tae Jonny Walker an’ made himsel’ a fairly guid whiskey, but noo his name is known aroond the wurrld b’cause he made a reasonably good whiskey.
But he put oot the story, ye ken, tha’ he had tae walk all the way t’ Glasgow tae make whuskey, which is why he called his whusky Johnny Walker. Noo they’ve got all different-coloured labels and suchlike and it’s ruined th’ great name a Scotch Whuskey, an’ we around here don’ want tae have any kind a business wi’ somethin’ like that.
Chivas Regal, what kind a name is that? It’s not even Scots, fer feck’s sake! Chivas is a name they picked up from one a th’ fellers who was buildin’ the stills, and he was eatin’ pickles and chives. So they called the whuskey Chivas Regal, like it was made for the King o’ Scotland, ‘cepptin’ there weren’t any King o’ Scotland anymore when they made that.
In Ochayebannockburn we have strict rules when they make th’ whuskey. Every man Jack wears the tartan o’ his clan, an’ no underwear, no matter hoo cold it is! There has tae be a tradition wuth whuskey, an’ if th’ lads start t’ wearin’ underwear, where are they goin’ tae end up? If ye’re danglies’re no’ hangin’ free, ye cannae wurrk proper like and ye end up like all the other whuskey makers in Scotland, tryin’ tae sell their whuskey tae people who have no right tae be drinkin’ it.
Young sassenachs wi’ too much money, or crooked politicians wi’ too much money an’ nae real taste fer whuskey. These people judge a whiskey by th’ colour o’ the label, fer feck’s sake! Ye cannae appreciate a guid whiskey if ye dinnae eat porridge fer breakfast and haggis fer supper, when y’ can get it.
The whuskey fro’ Ochayebannockburn comes in a plain bottle wi’ no lable, cause when th’ locals, who know aboot whuskey, want a whuskey, they ask fer whuskey. Fancy names is fer furriners and other sassenachs. If they iver come into oor toon, we give them th’ Johnny Walker or Chivas Regal and they smack their lips like they’ve just swallowed nectar
Ignorance is bliss, I s’ppose, an’ if they want tae spend their money drinkin’ stuff they call whuskey, well guid luck tae them! We dinnae see too many furriners around here, so it’s no’ too much of a problem. But we have a guid old laugh when we see them smackin’ their lips an’ sayin’ it was wurrth the trip tae taste some real Scotch whuskey.
They could ha’ saved themselves th’ trip and stayed in Edinburgh or Glasgow, because they’ll get exactly th’ same whuskey there. But they’re after atmosphere an’ th’ real Scottish experience, drivin’ through th’ mud an’ o’er heather an rocks tae get to oor toon tae drink Johnny Walker at twice the price and hear us swearin’ at them in such a way tha’ they find ut charmin’.
So if ye’re ever up in the north o’ Scotland and ye find a sign that says Ochayebannockburn, ye might be tempted tae make your way here fer oor whuskey, but I’m warnin’ ye, ye’ll be wastin’ ye’re time, cause we keeps oor whuskey tae oorselves.
We dinnae labour in th’ cold, wearin’ oor tartans and oor danglies gittin’ cold tae give oor whiskey tae people who wouldnae appreciate it.
Dinnae say y’ havenae been warned!